The Afterglow
by the fish is dead
Summary: STAYING AWAY FROM LUPIN: PLAN A Do not talk to him. Do not look at him. Do not smile at him. Stop thinking about him. Do all of the above continually. IF PLAN A SHALL FAIL: PLAN B Leg it. UPDATE: CH 14, Tonks and Lupin .. chat.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Harry Potter.

**A/N: **This story skips between past and present (present being around OotP). The prologue is the past, in Tonks' seventh year in Hogwarts.

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_Prologue_

"Damn, damn, damn, damn!" I whispered harshly, hopping unevenly around the small bedroom, gathering my scattered clothes. I leant over uncomfortably to grab a sock, and somehow to fall flat on the ground. "Oof." I jumped up, and glanced nervously at the sleeping man lying just a few meters from me. I let out a sigh of relief. I would have to bolt if he saw me. And I rather like this flat. I looked appreciatively around. I might spend a few more minutes here before I left. Perhaps maybe even grab some breakfast. I'm sure he wouldn't mind. He seemed almost freaky kind yesterday.

I rolled my eyes, and threw my ratty t-shirt quickly over my shoulders. God, I was immature. I should go now, before I manage to wreck anything. I couldn't help but hesitate at the bedroom doorway, though. My eyes swept over his disarrayed body, lying tangled in the sheets. He looked a whole bloody lot younger when he was sleeping. His longish tawny hair was covering a particularly deep scar that I had noticed on his forehead. I had wondered what happened to him. Poor thing.

He stirred slightly, and I jumped, nearly knocking over a vase beside me. _Damn. I have to go_. I took a weary glance at the door, and looked back at him. For some reason, I was unsure about leaving. I felt kind of…bad, or something. Like I wanted something more…I shook my head and grimaced. No. I wasn't that kind of girl.

Taking one last glance at him, I quickly went out the door, careful to avoid knocking anything.

As soon as I was outside, I felt a cold breeze pass over me, and a guilty sensation swish around in my stomach. Perhaps I should have left a note.

I hastily checked my watch, and felt my stomach plummet. _Dammit!_ Graduation was in five hours! I shut my eyes tightly, and tried with all my might to concentrate on Hogsmede. Charlie Weasley was never gonna let me live this down.

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	2. Dirty Laundry

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter, etc,belongs to JK Rowling, Warner Brothers, and maybe some other people I don't know about. Bottom line, none of those people are me.

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Chapter One: Dirty Laundry

_Skit, clash, BANG!_

I hurried to collect the broken yoyo, and quickly wound up the tattered string. Sirius grimaced while I inspected the deep crack in the probably priceless ruby-encrusted chest.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry!" I wailed, scurrying back to my spot on the couch cushion half way across the room. "I _swear_, Sirius, seriously –" I grinned wolfishly at my words, and Sirius rolled his eyes exasperatingly, "– I won't let it go this time." Sirius chewed skeptically on his lip, and widened my eyes desperately. "Please, my _lovely_, _elegant_, _handsome_ cousin? I promise!" I pouted, and he sighed. Hah! Got him every time.

"I don't care about any of this rubbish, anyways," Sirius complained snobbishly, complete with nose up turn, and protruding upper lip. "In fact, for all I care, Mundungus can take every bit of it. God knows I don't want it."

I turned to Sirius, and laid his rough hands gently in mine. "You won't give it to Mundungus," I said confidently, boring holes into Sirius' dark eyes.

Sirius avoided my gaze, and stared at the floor. "I won't give it to Mundungus," he muttered eventually, tracing the lining of his mouth with his tongue.

I grinned. "OK! Now, for my magnificent magic trick!" I stood up, yoyo wound tightly around my forefinger. _All right, concentrate, Tonks. You can do this. It's a yoyo. Just unwind, yeah, yeah, and flip up, and – OH BLOODY HELL NO!_

The yoyo flipped aimlessly from my finger, and successfully hurled toward the doorway. I watched, in full-frontal shock, as it barricaded into a lean, tall man who had been just about to enter.

"Si-Oof!"

And he was down. I shrieked, and barreled over to where he was lying, incoherent apologies spilling out of my mouth.

"Waappedooheh?" he mumbled thickly.

"Great going, Tonks, you killed him," muttered Sirius from the couch.

"Shut up!" I screeched, feeling almost giddy with panic. Oh, my God, oh, my God, if only I had paid attention in those two Healer training terms I had taken…I swallowed, and poked him cautiously in the shoulder. He grunted. I guess this is why I flunked out.

"Please, please, please talk to me." I whispered, and dared to shake his shoulder a bit. I glared at Sirius. "Such a big help _you_ are." I promptly ignored his mad roaring laughter. I turned back to the dying man on my left. "Please talk to me."

"Uhm…" he mumbled, his voice low. I felt my breath catch. Oh, my God. He's waking up. His eyes flickered, until I could easily stare into his specked, blue-grey eyes. I blinked, and tried to look away. Those eyes burned a mark in my brain…there were probably no other eyes like them in the world. And that meant I was in some serious trouble right about now. I stood up quickly, trying to avoid eye contact with the man. Damn this.

"You OK, mate?" I saw Sirius, suddenly hovering over him, hand extended. I chewed on my upper lip, trying to fight away my feelings of desperate panic. The man sighed in return, and took Sirius' hand.

"I feel like I've been hit over the head with a mallet," he said softly. I swallowed the rising lump in my throat. God, I thought I would never hear that voice again. "Rather than that, though, I'm terrific." His eyes dove past Sirius onto me, a questioning expression printed onto them. His curiosity seemed deep, but nevertheless, he said nothing. I let out a shaky breath. Thank God.

"Eh," Sirius now looked at me, as though realizing for the first time I was still in the room. "You have Tonks here to thank for that." My heart skipped a beat as I realized something. He wouldn't recognize me. _Tonks_. Yes! And my hair, hell, I doubt even the Weasley's would know me now.

My spirits slightly heightened, I quickly stepped forward. It was only polite.

"Yeah," I nodded at him. "I'm really, _really_ sorry about that." I could barely contain a sheepish smile. I had felt almost complied to do that. This was not good.

He smiled, a smile that I knew could melt million of women's hearts. Mine, however, stayed completely frozen over, like it should be. My jaw tightened. "It's really nothing to worry about."

"Great!" I turned to Sirius. "And you should never let me play with a yoyo again." I shook my finger, scolding him. "You should have realized I'm too much of a klutz to do anything even slightly related to something that takes skill." Sirius huffed, and the man still standing beside me chuckled slightly. I raised an eyebrow. Really, I wasn't 'haha' funny.

The man suddenly reddened, and I almost felt bad. God, he embarrassed easily. For a moment, I considered the fact that it wasn't him. But, almost compulsively, my eyes drew up to his. No. It was him.

"Er," He looked up at me nervously, and I promptly looked down. I knew I was being stupid. I couldn't help it. "I should probably introduce myself. I'm Remus Lupin." He stuck out his hand. I watched it for a moment under my nose. He had long, elegant hands. I wondered if he played the piano.

"I'm Tonks," I said to the floor, still staring at his hand. He was probably getting embarrassed by now.

From a few feet away, I heard Sirius snort with discontent. "Sorry, Moony, our Tonks here's a bit dyslexic."

I heated up, shooting daggers at Sirius. Stupid twit. I turned back to Lupin, suddenly too annoyed at my git of a cousin to care that he was actually getting a good look at me now. "Hi," I grabbed his hand, and shook it, hard, all the time staring into his unforgettable eyes. God, I sounded cheesy.

"Hi." He shook my hand just as hard. I tried to contain my surprise. Most guys seemed to think, because of my size, that if they even tried more than touching my hand, I break into tiny little pieces. Well, at least, when a handshake was concerned. "Is your actual name Tonks?"

I froze. "Er, well, no…" I closed my eyes, and begged God to shut Sirius up, for once. "But I go by it."

For a moment, there was silence. Then, I heard it. A sharp intake of breath, on Sirius' part. Oh, dear, here ends my life…

But, instead, it was Lupin who spoke. "Ah, I see. Very original."

I sighed in relief. Lupin's eyes narrowed, if only slightly. I was making a fool of myself. "Er, yes, it's my surname, actually."

"I guessed as much. But still, pretty risky."

"Risky?" My mind was somewhere else, presumably how much I wanted to race upstairs, curl up in a warm blanket, and stare blankly at my walls – hidden away from suspicious eyes.

"I doubt many young women would prefer to be known as 'Tonks'."

I burst out laughing. I don't know why, exactly. Maybe it was the way he said it, smooth, thoughtful – like he hadn't really intended to be funny. Maybe it was because I really hadn't been paying attention. Or maybe it was because I really, really just needed something to laugh about.

However the cause, though, Sirius stared in disbelief, while Lupin looked nervously uncomfortable. Oh dear, I thought, finally settling down, I've frightened him all ready.

"Sorry," I murmured, a moment later. I should really go now. "I'm going to go now."

I left the room in an awkward silence. Sirius already knew I was insane, but Lupin…I sighed. I hadn't really planned to make a good impression on him, anyways. He was a part of my past that I didn't want to relive…and I doubted he'd like to be reminded about that. We were both out of sorts that night…well; I had been out of sorts for a bit longer than that, by then.

I rubbed my forearm tenderly, as though scrubbing away the remains of the only thing that I had kept as reminder of all that. Not that it ever really would disappear. None of it would – I could only pretend.

I lifted my robe sleeve, and looked, lost in thought, at the still sharp edges of the black rose. It had looked so beautiful back then – mysterious, romantic, and dangerous. I had loved it immediately. Now, it just seemed dead and black.

"Tonks?"

I yelped, and turned on my heel, eyes pointed at offensive party. I stiffened slightly when I saw who it was. Lupin. Just my luck. I suddenly looked down at my feet, noticing I really hadn't wondered too far from the room I had been in previously. And people say I need to spend more time focusing on my surroundings.

"Er," he looked boldly into my eyes, and I suddenly realized I was wearing my natural colour. Damn. "Are you all – whoa!"

Oh, maybe changing my eye colour right when he was looking at me hadn't been such a great idea.

He blinked. "Are you a metamorphmagus?"

"I do hope so," I chattered, practically bouncing up and down on my heels. _Stop it! Stop it!_ I tried to tell myself. I just wasn't listening.

He chuckled. I smiled, and immediately turned it into a wonky scowl, which received an understanding look of bewilderment from Lupin. "Er, yes, well, I was just wondering if you were all right. You seemed a bit…" Lupin broke off, looking at me expectantly.

I stared blankly. Lupin coughed. Neither of us moved for a few moments, until I decided it was best if I answered. "I'm fine. Just feeling a bit sick. I'm going to lie down for a bit, I think."

"Oh." Lupin looked behind him, his eyes clouded over in thought. He turned back to me, his face set carefully. "Will tomorrow be your first Order meeting?"

I blinked. "Um, yeah," I smiled weakly, and twirled a piece of hair absently around my finger. "I hope everyone'll like me. Rather than you and Sirius, I haven't met anyone. Or, well, reunited."

Lupin smiled in return, "I'm sure everyone will love you. And when you say 'reunited' I'm guessing your referring to the Weasleys."

"Yeah," I said, ignoring the distress signals flashing in my mind, and stepping a bit closer to the man. "I've met the whole lot, but Charlie Weasley was in my year." I smirked. "We were…close."

"Really?"

"Oh, yeah. The two of us kept Minerva McGonagall well occupied."

"Troublemakers, I presume?"

"Troublemakers is such a harsh word. I'd rather like to refer to it as…having fun with my surroundings."

Lupin laughed, and I definitely saw myself getting used to it. It was nice, not high, not too low, and it reminded me a lot of –

Gasping suddenly, I looked quickly down at my shoes. _No, no, no. Getting acquainted with Lupin was a bad idea. Very, very bad. _I tried to swallow my instinctive rebellious nature, and I wearily smiled at Lupin. "I'm…going to go upstairs now. Head's really starting to kill." I glanced up at his own probably pounding head and winced internally at the large yoyo shaped bruise. "And…you might want to get some ice for that."

And before he could respond, I was gone.

----

**A/N: **There may be a few (or a lot) of spelling errors, being as I don't have a beta, or anyone to just check it over. I try my best, but I'm sorry if there are a few.

Why not drop a line or two? R&R, if you please.


	3. Worthless Attempts

Chapter Two: Worthless Attempts

_Staying Away From Lupin:_

_Plan A_

_Do not talk to him._

_Do not look at him._

_Do not smile at him._

_Stop thinking about him._

_Think about what would happen if he figured out who you really were._

_Do all of the above continually._

_IF PLAN A SHALL FAIL:_

_Plan B_

_Leg it._

My first Order meeting went along smoothly. The Weasley's, as planned, recognized me, but (thank the Lord Almighty) did not call me by my dreadful first name. Actually, it went quite smoothly, something very unusual for me. It happened something like this:

**Me: **-sits at table- Wotcher, all.

**McGonagall: **This is N-

**Me: **Tonks! Tonks! Please call me Tonks! I like Tonks!

**Dumbledore: **-twinkles and chuckles-

**Everybody Else: **…

**McGonagall: **Er, well, yes. This is Tonks, our newest recruit.

**Me: **-goes temporarily insane- Howdy!

**Dumbledore: **-twinkles some more-

**Everybody Else: **…

(Meeting continues and ends smoothly)

(After meeting) **Charlie: **Tonks! Wow, it's awesome to see you again. –hugs me-

**Me: **-grin- Likewise, mate.

**Mrs. Weasley: **-squints and finally recognizes me- Oh, _Tonks_, dear! –hugs me, looking slightly disappointed-

**Ron: **(who magically just turned up) So you're that metamorphosis Charlie had a crush on all these years?

**Charlie: **-slap-

**Ron: **-angered- Bloody git … !

**Me: **-intrigued- Is that so?

**Charlie: **-blushes- Well … yeah … but, you know, I never thought I had a chance, you were always --!

**Me: **-slaps hand to his mouth- Haha, yes, I was always just too … _happy_ to pay attention to men, wasn't I? –meaningful glare and weak laughter-

**Charlie: **-finally getting it through his head that I don't want the whole of the Order to know I was a bit of a tramp in my Hogwarts days (fine, a _lot_ of one)- Oh. Right. –nods too eagerly-

**Lupin: **-raises eyebrow oh-so-sexily … damn! Damn it all to hell! –

**Ron: **So can you do it?

**Me: **-getting the completely wrong message- _What?_

**Ron: **Your metamorphmaging … can you demonstrate?

**Me: **-shakes head for being so sick minded. I need help- Uh … sure. –scowls and turns nose into pig snout. Suddenly realizes Lupin is there and blushes. Suddenly realizes I shouldn't care that I realize Lupin is there, and mentally berate self. He is nothing to me. _Nothing_!-

**Ron: **-awed-

**Me: **-feels like bowing. Wish I had.-

**Lupin: **-smiles-

**Me: **Yes, indeed.

-awkward silence-

I almost forgot how much I had missed Charlie. He had been my only friend at Hogwarts, really, now that I think about it. All the girls in my year hated my guts, claimed I stole their boyfriends (which equals hating my guts, eventually), or made fun of me. It wasn't my fault I was clumsy. _Am_ clumsy. And rather than Charlie, most guys didn't think I was worth talking to. Charlie was good, he didn't judge. I loved him then, and I'll probably start to love him again. Just not in the tingly, swooning, loooove sort of way. Just in a sibling sort of way. Which makes it all the more funny that he had a crush on me. Ah, Charles, darling.

Sitting in front of the rapidly dying fire, I absently tugged on my hair, pulling it slowly into long, black ringlets. The classic Black hairstyle.

"Is that your real hair color?" I turned. Lupin. Why must God punish me so?

"Mhmph," I answered, which really didn't make any sense at all. But I couldn't talk! I couldn't look at him! And I desperately, desperately wanted this plan to work. Plan B really sucked. Especially since I was wearing high heels. Damn Prada.

"Oh." Answered Lupin, sounding kind of defeated. I really, really wanted to look at him. I think I hurt his feelings. Still, he wasn't leaving. Maybe I should hurt his feelings. I _did _need him to leave. "I think sexy eye-brow raising went out with the corset."

I did _not just say that_.

Silence. Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. KILL ME NOW!

"How interesting." His voice was soft, and … what the -? I turned around, only just in time to see him burst in laughter.

This was not going well.

"Please forget I said that," I croaked, very, very, very quietly, and I don't think he heard over his bout of insane laughter. This was really getting freaky.

Just that moment, my savoir, my wonderful, _wonderful _cousin, the _lovely_ Sirius Black came in, a puzzled expression on his face.

"Save me," I squeaked, but again, I think the cackles drowned it out. Perhaps my desperate expression will tip him off.

"What's up with him?" Or not.

"I…" I think I now know what the ultimate torture is. "I…told him that I think…_sexy eye-brow raising went out with the corset_!" I gasped. I hadn't meant to actually say that. Oh, no, no, no. I've been cursed.

Sirius blinked at me for a moment. Then he joined Lupin on the floor, laughing his arse off.

I _hate_ that sod.

Damning my huge mouth and stupid misfortune, I stood up and ran for it.

---

Alright, I think they've forgotten about it now. I went and hid out in Diagon Alley for a few hours, drowning my sorrows in ice cream. Mint chocolate-chip. Damn, it was good.

I'm only a few feet from the kitchen, sneaking along the walls in a very sneaky fashion. I couldn't be found. I'll just go and get a glass of milk, then head upstairs for the night, and no one will even talk about it tomorrow.

Ok. I'm right beside the kitchen. It sounds pretty silent. I think I'm home free…

_OH DAMN_!

I promptly tripped over the rug, falling face-first onto the floor length mirror, causing it to fall over, knocking over a small table in the progress, and shattering it into a million pieces.

"Bloody rug!" I screamed, running in circles, and pulling at my hair.

It was only a few seconds before I heard the inevitable sounds. I opened my eyes and saw Lupin and Sirius, huddled together, laughing like hyenas.

Defeated, I hung my head and went upstairs. I needed a new plan.

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	4. When The Going Gets Tough, I Give In

**Disclaimer:** The usual.

**A/N: **Thank for reviewing, everyone. heartsdesire456: I'd already written this chapter beforehand, but I'll be sure to keep your advice in mind for the next chapters.

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Chapter Three: When The Tough Gets Going, I Give In

_The Plan to End All Plans:_

_PLAN C_

_Become friends with Lupin._

_Get to know the REAL him._

_Do not flirt with him._

_Do not imagine him kissing you._

_Do not think bad thoughts at all._

_Realize he's not as great as you think he is._

_Move on, and forget about him. Forget about everything._

_After these are completed, stop talking to him._

_Hit Sirius._

_NOTE: All actions MUST be completed before the end of this month, because I say so._

I folded up the small piece of paper, and stuck it in my bra. Just in case.

I ran down the stairs, careful not to trip. And, to my surprise, I didn't. MWAHAHA! Maybe I've finally overcome –

…Damn troll leg!

Struggling to my feet, I nearly ran face first into Sirius.

Half glad it wasn't Lupin (I seemed to be running into him too much lately) and half amused at the surprised look on his face, I remembered my plan. With glee, I punched him soundly on the nose, and then legged it to the kitchen. I wouldn't put it past Sirius to hit a girl.

Everyone was sitting down to breakfast in the kitchen, and I gleefully joined them, slipping into a seat between Ginny and Charlie.

They seemed to be having a conversation over me, which proved to be quite interesting.

"—Dragons rule," spoke Charlie, his nose stuck in the air.

Ginny stuck out her tongue. "No! Cats rule!"

"Dragons." Charlie folded his arms childishly in front of his highly muscular chest, which I took to staring at. It almost scared me.

"Cats."

"Dragons."

"Cats!"

"Dragons!"

"God, only such a _boy _would like something as stupid as dragons!"

"God, only such a _girl _would like something as muggley as cats!"

I strongly suspected he made up that word.

"Cats!"

"Dragons!"

I wondered faintly how this conversation was started.

"CATS!"

"DRAGONS!"

"KELLOGGS!" I cried.

The whole table seemed to silence, and stare at me.

I hung my head. I just couldn't resist. How I loathe myself.

Ah, well, despite my acute embarrassment, the battle of anything-but-wits beside me seemed to have died down. Ginny and Charlie had now just resided to glaring in opposite directions.

Just then, Sirius stumbled into the kitchen, a large ice pack on his nose. He looked like he had been bleeding. Ooh, I had got him good!

Sirius spotted me, and bared his teeth. Uh oh. "YOU!" he bellowed, running towards me. Thank God, despite my clumsiness, I was nimble and fast. I jumped up and sprinted down the hall, Sirius at my heels.

I have to admit, I was quite scared. I could see why the Azkaban people could believe he was a mass murderer. He looked, like, beyond mad.

After running what felt like a marathon, I tumbled head on into something cushy and soft. Something I wanted to stay in forever …

It just also happened to be Lupin.

"Hide me!" I screamed, and dived behind his back.

Lupin looked quite bewildered, and I thought I heard a squeak of fear as he realized the whizzing ball of black coming towards him was Sirius. Luckily, though, he was a gentleman, and took the brunt of it. Or perhaps it was because he was frozen in fear and I was holding him steady from behind.

After a few moments, I think Sirius finally figured out that it was Lupin, not me. He stopped abruptly, and gaped at the limp body of his friend, lying sprawled eagle on the floor.

"Did I do that?" he squeaked in my direction.

"Nah, I think when he tried to dive out of the way he hit his head on the banister." Sirius really sucks at beating people up. He wasn't even really punching or anything. He had been doing some sort of weird tribal-like dance with Lupin. It was very odd.

"I killed him!" he cried, his voice still annoyingly high.

I rolled my eyes. "He's fine, look." I kicked Lupin's chest idly. He didn't move. I kicked him again, harder. Nothing. Panicked now, I began rapidly kicking and shaking him. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

"Tonks! Stop it!" Sirius pulled me off him. I wrestled for a moment, but then relaxed. Oops. I think I gave Lupin a black eye.

"We did kill him," I squeaked, my voice even higher then Sirius'.

"We have to hide the body," rasped Sirius, picking Lupin's limp form up and slinging him over his shoulder.

"Wait, Sirius, don't –" I sighed.

"What?" he said, throwing Lupin back down to the ground harshly. We both winced.

"Now you've got your fingerprints all over the body," I explained, defeated. Bugger it all.

"Oh." Sirius looked down sadly at Lupin for a moment, who was looking very pale indeed. I guess that happens when you die. Suddenly feeling very guilty, I started bouncing on my heels.

"Come on, let's take him upstairs," I whispered, and Sirius picked him up again. We quickly climbed the stairs, and set him down on Sirius' bed.

I locked the door quickly behind us, and peered down at Lupin on the bed. His face was drawn, and you could see every line and scar. His tawny hair was scattered all over his face, covering his eyes. He looked quite cute when dead …

God, I was _sick_.

"All right, um, um, um," I was hopping up and down, and shaking uncontrollably. "Sirius!" I cried in hysterics. "What do we do now? Oh, my God! Sirius! I've never killed someone before!"

"Well, neither have I," snarled Sirius in reply.

"No need to be snarky," I retorted.

"God, do you ever shut up?"

"No, I _don't_! Are you ever _nice_?"

"No, I find sarcasm works fine, thank-you-very-much!"

"That's because you're a loathsome son-of-a-OH, MY GOD, HE'S ALIVE!" I had just noticed Lupin's chest rise. Oh, thank God, thank God.

Sirius sighed in relief, and collapsed against the far wall.

I sat on the bed beside Lupin, who seemed to be grumbling in his sleep or something. "Well, what do we do now?" I asked, still quite on-edge. "He needs … some kind of help …"

"CPR?" suggested Sirius, now on his feet.

"Yes! Yes! We need to re-habilitate him!" I said, feeling proud.

"All right!" Sirius jumped up and began to do mouth-to-mouth…a bit to eagerly for my taste.

Suddenly, Lupin's eyes popped open.

"YES!" I cried, clapping my hands. "It's ALIVE! It's ALIVE!"

Sirius didn't seem to notice, until Lupin, very harshly, copped him over the head.

"Oof," said Sirius, rubbing his head. "It worked!" he added, noticing finally that Lupin was awake.

Lupin raised an eyebrow. _Not sexy, not sexy, not sexy … _"Er, what was that?"

"You were dead!" I shrieked. "We killed you!"

Sirius glared at me. Oh. _Damn …_

Lupin looked appalled. "Oh. Er." Without another word, he stood up and ran from the room, looking quite scared indeed.

"You blighting idiot!" screamed Sirius and bitch-slapped me. I suppressed a giggle. "Now look what you've done!"

"He would have found out anyways," I said, dismissing it. "Or did you not want your _boyfriend _knowing you almost did him in?"

Sirius blushed.

I tried desperately to ignore the sinking sensation at the possibility of Lupin being gay. _Stop feeling that, stop it, stop it, stop it._

We made our way downstairs in silence. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Or maybe not.

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	5. A Thin, Thin Line Between Love and Hate

**Disclaimer:** The usual.

**A/N:** Thanks for reviewing, all :)

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Chapter Four: There's A Thin, Thin Line Between Love and Hate

I have no clue how this happened. Really.

This whole day has been like a flash of light. All I remember is getting up, and now suddenly it's dark and I'm stuck in a closet with Lupin.

I think he's asleep. His head is hung between his legs, and I think that sound he's making is a snore. I'm really not sure. I don't want to poke him, either. I think he's annoyed at me. I did, after all, get us trapped in here.

Ok, so maybe I do remembered a bit of what happened. Or a lot. Whatever.

Lupin has just twitched. I think he's convulsing now. I really, _really_ wish I had paid more attention during my Healer-training days. He does not look healthy. Come to think of it, I mused, as the candlelight flickered over his lined face, he never looks healthy. I think there's something serious wrong with him. I tried asking Sirius about it, but he had pretended he hadn't heard me. Twice. And he is _really_ bad at pretending.

"Tonks." Oh, my God, he's awake. My eyes shot up. Lupin remained still. Oh, no. He's still sleeping. Hm … but he's mumbling about me? Is he dreaming about me? Ooh –

No. No, no, no. I don't care. Really I don't.

God, I hope he's not mad at me after this. Now that I think about it, what I did was pretty stupid.

"_Sirius, you're a sod," I said conversationally, over dinner._

_Molly glared at me, and looked protectively at Ginny. Oh, please. Ginny was about as innocent as Sirius is intelligent. _

"_Why, so?" my dear cousin replied, just as conversationally._

_Before I had a chance to reply, the lights flickered, and finally died out, blanketing as in complete darkness._

"_Sorry!" I heard Arthur Weasley's voice call from down the hall. "I blew a fuse!"_

"_A fuse?" Molly screeched back, sounding quite irritated indeed. If anyone could have seen me, they would have noticed I was shaking uncontrollably in my seat, my teeth chattering. "What do you mean, a FUSE?"_

"_Er …" One could almost hear her husband's embarrassment from the distance. "You see, dear, I decided to try and … hook up Grimmauld Place to the Muggle electricity system, as there's a lesser chance of us being discovered if we don't use as much magic …" but Arthur's voice had died down to the point of a squeak. Anyone within a hundred miles could feel the fury radiating off his wife. Everybody took a large step back, awaiting the explosion._

"_ARTHUR WEASLEY!" And there it was. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE PLAYING AT, WITH MUGGLE FUSES? YOU COULD HAVE GOT US ALL KILLED! AND NOW WE'RE STUCK HERE IN THE DARK! ONCE I GET MY HANDS ON YOU …"_

_But we never did get to see what Molly would actually _do_ as the room was temporarily illuminated._

_Lupin was standing in the corner, his face shadowed by the flame. "I found a candle," he said hastily, obviously not enjoying the feeling of numerous pairs of eyes on him._

_He looked at me, and his eyes widened. "Are you all right, Tonks?"_

_I stopped chattering my teeth only for a moment to say, "I should probably tell everyone, I'm j-just a _teensy _bit afraid of the dark," I nodded wildly, my breath racked with shivers. "Uh, y-yeah, see, what happens is I start freaking out, and hyperventilating, and I can't stop talking, and I start running around, I can start to not breathe, and I can't think, and I can't see, and I can't hear and I can't feel and I can't smell and oh-oh…oh, dear," I shut my eyes tight, trying to think about anything other then the darkness. Ooh, Remus Lupin. No! Darkness! No!_

_And then I lost it._

I faintly remember jumping up, running around the room and screaming at the top of my lungs. The next thing I knew, I was trapped here, in a tiny little closet, with Lupin. I think I started flailing around, caught hold of him, and dragged him with me into this closet. Soon after this, we discovered it locked from outside. And, apparently, no one cared enough to open it up for us. Stupid pigs.

Lupin stirred, and I looked at him again. Back, years ago, when we first made our … acquaintance, I had guessed him to be about twenty or so, not so far off my own age of seventeen. Now, though … he looked at least forty. Either he looked incredibly young before, or he looks incredibly old now, or he's lost somewhere in between.

Somehow the old thing turns me on.

Sighing, I turned my head and stared at the wall, trying to block out any thoughts of him. I was being silly. I hardly even knew the man, save for a few embarrassing encounters. I had no idea why I was feeling this way. Any psychiatrist would probably tell me I was trying to hold on to any shred of my past, but I couldn't see why. My past was something I didn't want to remember. I wasn't that girl anymore. I knew I wasn't.

"Tonks?" I glanced up. This time he was, in fact, awake. He looked even more ill in the pale candlelight and my heart throbbed for the man.

"Yeah huh?"

I barely restrained myself from banging my head against the wall.

He smiled. He always smiled. I wondered if he was patronizing me. I got that a lot.

He didn't reply, however. He just turned, the light mixing all his grays into the rest of his hair, turning it a quite interesting murky green. I stared, lost in thought, at it, before he spoke:

"Have you ever been in love?"

What an odd question.

"No," I replied thoughtlessly. I didn't need to think. I have never been in love, and I never will be. Bah humbug. "Have you?"

"No." He looked pensive for a moment. He would make a good professor.

"You would make a good professor."

"I was one."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Radical." And I thought I was doing ok. "Er – why aren't you now?"

Lupin blushed. He actually _blushed_. I giggled. He stared. "I, um, resigned."

"Why?"

"Long story?"

"How so?"

"Merlin you ask a lot of questions."

"I need a lot of answers." Ooooh I'm good.

A pause. "I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"It's personal."

I chewed my lip for a moment. "If I tell _you_ something personal, will you tell me?"

Lupin narrowed his eyes. He looked like a turtle like that. A huge, overgrown turtle. Hehe.

"All right." He stared at me, as though trying to find a flaw in our bargain. Did this man take _everything _seriously?

"Actually, I'll show you." I stood up, and Lupin looked frightened for a second. Oh, great.

Scrunching up my face in concentration, I felt my appearance change. Long black curls framed my face, but they were the best thing. My eyes were a dull brown, my nose almost hooked, and my lips way too big for comfort. Blah.

Lupin eyes had gone round. "Is that your true appearance?"

"No, I just think looking like an overgrown bird is hot," I replied sarcastically. Lupin didn't seem to hear me.

"You look beautiful."

I think I just died.

Now it's very quiet. Oh, my God. I should say something. Yes, I should definitely say something. I should compliment the man. Yes, compliments.

"I actually think sexy-eye brow raising is very attractive."

Damnbloodybuggerdarnhellchickencrap!

"I'm honored." He smiled. I blinked. He had very white teeth. He should be on a Crest White Strips commercial.

"You should be on a Crest White Strips commercial." I am officially deranged.

"What?" He looked confused. Quite sexy, I admit. Not at all like Sirius when he's confused. Sirius adopts a more chicken with his head cut off kind of look. Poor sod.

"Muggle thing," I sighed, and started biting a hangnail. No! Stop it! I whipped my finger out of my mouth, effectively flinging spittle all over Lupin.

Oh, fuck it all.

"Ohmygod! I'm sorry!" Looking slightly deranged, I waddle-crawled over to him, and attempting to wipe the spit off his face. He looked in shock or something, but attempted to beat me away, insisting he was fine without my assistance.

"No, really."

"Tonks, please."

"I'm…"

Suddenly a flash of bright light fell upon our situation. Blinking up dumbly, I saw a dark figure, light illuminating the sides of his body, his hands thrust out before him. My mouth dropped. God! He had come to save me!

"What the hell?" Damn, God sure sounded like Sirius. "What the hell are you doing, Tonks?"

I suddenly realized, to his point of view, I kind of looked like I was raping Lupin. Oh, fantastic.

Lupin was blushing furiously as I pushed off him, glaring in God's general direction. "Some help you've been!" I spat.

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "What, do I look like God or something?"

As I scowled and stalked upstairs, I just realized Lupin had never told me his 'personal' problem.

Damn it.

---

I was awakened at one in the morning by a loud knock at the door. Pissed off, and slightly dizzy from sleep (never a good combination) I stumbled towards the door. A very drunk and very giddy Sirius met me.

"Do you want to play truth or dare?" he cried/slurred, jumping up and down like a fat boy getting cake.

"What?" I said, distracted by his eyes. They were red and swollen, like two big puffer fish had decided to land on them. "Were you crying?"

Sirius ignored me. Shame. "Truth and dare!" he exclaimed once more, and this time grabbed my wrist and pulled me into the hallway.

It really wasn't fair he was about twice the size of me. I looked longingly back and my gloomy, ugly, comfortable room as he pulled me down the stairs and sighed. Dramatically.

When we reached the sitting room, I saw a few other very tired-looking people and one extremely drunk Charlie Weasley. Oh, joy.

"Didyagetsmorepeopleserious?" said Charlie, all at once.

"Tonks!" exclaimed Sirius.

I looked over helplessly at the people. Everyone seemed to have drifted back off to sleep except Lupin and of course Charlie and Sirius. Of course.

I sat down in one of the chairs. "But I don't want to play," I whined. No one heard me.

"All right. Tonks! Truth or dare?"

I vaguely heard Sirius' words. I felt like a thirteen-year-old girl. I was playing truth and frigging dare.

"Truth," I said, pretending to not feel it as Hestia slapped me on the thigh in her sleep.

"Who do you like?" asked Sirius, giggling like a little girl.

"Your mom," I replied. Sirius frowned. I don't think he got it. "Truth or dare?" I directed at no one.

"Dare," Lupin replied. He was looking at me, eyebrow raised sexily.

I frowned at him. He was doing this just to bother me, I swear. "Go kiss Sirius."

Lupin stared at me, his eyes as round as saucers. Hah, not expecting that one, were you? Mwahaha! I feel all-powerful! I feel …

My mind stopped blank as I felt a pair of lips brush softly against mine. Lupin backed away, eyebrow raised again. "Close enough, you're his cousin," he said softly, smiling.

Duh … ? My eyes were wide, and my mouth was in a perfect 'O' shape, I was sure. I was probably drooling, too.

Lupin smiled at Sirius, who looked quite sober and jealous, but it was subtly directed at me. Damn him! That was unfair! I hate him! I hate him!

He was soo not going to get away with this.

* * *

Next, in chapter five -- Tonks devises a new plan. Again.

R&R?


	6. Memories, Memories

**Disclaimer**: Rinse, wash, repeat.

**A/N: **I (unfortunately) still don't have a beta, so I'm sorry for any mistakes there may be.

* * *

Chapter Five: Memories, Memories

_Hating Lupin_

_PLAN 1 (Letters didn't really seem to be working)_

_-Slam the door in his face. Twice._

_-Burn his sausages._

_-Give him a manicure while he's sleeping._

_-Let everyone know he's a virgin._

_-Slip something into that weird potion Molly's making for him. Then figure out what it is._

_-Tell him Sirius is in love with him (might as well know the truth)._

Day One

_10:01 AM_

Saw Molly mixing that gross potion. Asked her what it was.

"Oh, don't you know, dear?" I blinked at her. "I suppose not, then. I'm afraid I can't tell you. You'll have to ask Remus, dear."

Fat chance. She looked the other way for a second, and I slipped in the vial of paprika I stole from Sirius' spice garden (he said he needed a hobby).

_10:05 AM_

Starting to feel bad about slipping in paprika. Could've messed up the potion. And what the _hell_ was it for?

_10:10 AM_

Am talking to Charlie. He's holding this huge caldron in his hands, and it's splashing around everywhere.

Me: What the bleeping hell is that?

Him: A sticky potion.

Me: A _what_?

Him: It sticks things together.

Me: Got that, thanks.

Him: -splashes it around some more-

Me: Watch where you're going!

Potion spills all over both of us. I scream at him, then suddenly lose my balance and topple face first onto Charlie, accidentally kind of kissing him.

Oh, bugger, that can't mean …

_10:11 AM_

All right, it's official. Charlie and I have our lips stuck together. I have now realized me worst fear. Being eternally stuck kissing Charlie Weasley. I'm going to die.

_10:12 AM_

Oh, my God.

_10:13 AM_

Yep, I'm sure now. To make matters worse, he is now … _excited_.

_10:14 AM_

I have managed to slap him over the head while still making sure nothing over then our lips get stuck.

"Boo fidiot!" I scream.

"By story!" He returns, red-faced. I think he's crying.

"Do oold ee!"

_10:16 AM_

Kill me now.

_10:25 AM_

All right, so we've managed to make it up the stairs, without sticking anything else. Charlie is fortunately much less –excited-, and more wanting-to-die.

"'Ake eet hop!" he cried.

"Fut up!" Hopping uncomfortably around the troll leg umbrella stand, I got us to the door of my room.

I had no idea what to do now. I couldn't touch it, or we'd get stuck. I didn't even know why I'd come up here, rather than to avoid –

"HAH!"

-Sirius.

Next thing I knew, my darling cousin was about two inches from my face, laughing his ass off. "What happened?" he roared through tears of laughter.

"O, lad yur aving oh mufft un!" I shrieked, trying desperately to free myself from Charlie.

Charlie, in turn, slapped me.

"Ooh an't lap a url!" I cried, and slapped him back.

Thus began the slapping fight, which caused Sirius to start rolling on the ground with laughter.

By the end of it, I had managed to stick my hand to Charlie's eye, and his to my arse. Don't ask.

Just then, Lupin came out of one of the rooms. He looked really ill.

He took one glance at Sirius wetting himself laughing, Charlie and I crying while basically molesting each other, and sighed. I thought for a moment he looked a bit jealous, but it turned out to be disgust.

He raised his wand at us.

I screamed. "On't ill us!" I said, and starting flailing around. Charlie started screaming as well, and we began running around in awkward little circles in the progress.

_10:43 AM_

It's all Lupins' fault.

Turns out he wasn't actually going to kill us, but unstick us. Unfortunately, now, after Charlie and I freaked out, we're all stuck in one big sticky ball, with Sirius attacked to Charlie's leg, and Lupin hovering right under my chest. Needless to say, I wanted to die. I've been becoming quite suicidal these last few days, I've noticed. I blame it on Lupin.

"Leese, leese oove or ead a itto," I begged Lupin, whose head was resting…well, yes.

"I ould eef I ould!" he returned, quite snarkily. I scowled. I hate him.

_11:12 AM_

We've managed to waddle downstairs, but Charlie was complaining about how heavy Sirius was, so we had to stop.

"Eet's not eye alt!" he shrieked. He sounded quite womanly. "Eets 'ers!" He slapped me on the knee. I collapsed, dragging Charlie's face down with me, and sticking us onto Lupin's leg.

"I ever ooh ooh ere oh afleaic," commented Lupin, and I was sure I saw a tiny smile.

I want to cry.

_11:13 AM_

Am now crying.

_11:14 AM_

Sirius slapped me again and told me I was getting tears on his robes.

_11:15 AM_

Bugger him, I'm crying anyways.

_11: 35 AM_

"Oouldn't neeone ave een us eye now?" whined Sirius, tugging at Charlie's pant tug, which made the whole group shake. I slapped him. He slapped me back. Lupin groaned. Charlie burst into laughter. I hate him. I hate everyone. I'm going to become a mass murder and kill them all. That'll teach 'em. Mwahahahaha!

_11:45 AM_

Decided murder might not be the best plan. Decided to just take out all my rage on Lupin and my evil-awesome-wonderful-ingenious plan. Mwahahaha.

_11:46 AM_

Note to self: get a new evil laugh.

_11:47 AM_

I apparently said that out loud. Sirius suggested "bwahaha!" I said it was too girlish. He slapped me. I slapped him back. Lupin groaned. Charlie burst into laughter.

This is the rest of my life.

_11:56 AM_

Starting to get hungry.

_11:58 AM_

"I om ungry," announced Sirius.

_12:01 PM_

We are all very hungry.

_12:34 PM_

WE HAVE BEEN SAVED!

Ginny Weasley came out of the kitchen, saw us, screamed and ran away. At first, we thought she'd ditched us, but luckily, she came back with her mother. And a camera. We are never going to be able to live this down.

Molly performed a quick spell (probably the one Lupin had been about to do) and suddenly the stick just left. Like the smoke after a fire dies. Like the shiver when warmth comes. Like – oh, whatever.

WE'RE FRIGGING FREE!

_12:35 PM_

Am running through the house as fast as I can. Lupin and Sirius are chasing me. They call it revenge.

_12:46 PM_

Am feeling quite sore. Forgot my wand, and Sirius cursed me bad. Even Lupin cursed me once or twice. And I thought he was a gentleman. They are not gonna live this down.

_12:50 PM_

Am resuming Plan 1 – Hating Lupin. So far, I've just spiked the potion. I would have had most of it done by now, too, if it hadn't been for – excuse me for a moment.

_1:05 PM_

Have totally kicked Charlie Weasley's scrawny little potion-spilling arse. Also had a bite to eat.

_1:12 PM_

Have found Lupin lying on the couch, asleep. Have brought my manicure kit. Let the torture begin.

_1:15 PM_

Victim woke up halfway through filing his nails. He blinked at me. I smiled innocently. Am quickly thinking up good excuse.

_1:16 PM_

Nothing yet.

_1:17 PM_

The innocent smile thing seems to be working well.

_1:18 PM_

He has finally asked me what I'm doing. I said I was praying.

_Praying!_

_1:19 PM_

Victim laughed in my face and left. Damn. His. Stupid. Sexy. Guts.

_1:29 PM_

Have decided I will resume manicure at night, after slipping something into his hot chocolate so he won't wake up. Fwahahaha!

_1:30 PM_

I think I will resume 'Mwahaha'.

_1:51 PM  
_I have told Ginny Weasley Lupin's a virgin. She said 'ew' and walked away. Must find someone else to tell.

_2:10 PM_

Have told Arthur Weasley Lupin's a virgin. He nodded sadly at me, and told me knew. Tehehehehe.

_2:58 PM_

Have told Fred, George and Ron Weasley Lupin's a virgin. Fred and George told me if I was looking to deflower him, I should be gentle. Slapped them soundly. Ron promptly ran away, looking quite green.

_3:27 PM_

Lupin has asked me why everyone is giving him sad looks.

I told him it was because they wanted him bad.

_3:28 PM_

I don't think he believed me. Eh, it was close enough anyways.

_3:45 PM_

Sirius has found out what I've been saying, and questioned me. I told him it was true. He got this wild, twisted grin on his face. I didn't need to see that.

_4:00 PM_

Told Charlie Weasley Lupin's a virgin. He was the only person who didn't believe. I asked him if it was from personal experience. He blushed.

_4:01 PM_

Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.

_4:39 PM_

Lupin is giving me suspicious looks.

_4:59 PM_

Have told Molly Weasley Lupin's a virgin. I think she giggled. It was very wrong.

_5:04 PM_

Found Hestia Jones wandering around aimlessly, and told her. Her eyes went really wide, and she ran off in the other direction, scary smile on her face. I think I've set loose a monster.

_5:15 PM_

Sat down for dinner. Hestia was looking hungrily at Lupin the whole time. Lupin didn't seem to notice. He was trying to avoid sympathetic looks from Arthur and Molly. Sirius was sneaking glances at him every so often.

Best dinner of my life.

_5:29 PM_

Lupin has cornered me.

_5:30 PM_

He is demanding to know why Hestia tried to rape him in a closet.

_5:31 PM_

I asked him why I would know.

"Don't even try to act innocent," he accused, narrowing his eyes. I tried not to smile.

"I am innocent!" I pleaded.

"No, you're not." He had his arms on my shoulders, and he was glaring at me. Except it wasn't really a glare. He was too nice to glare. "What did you say?"

I licked my lips, trying to think of something good. Lupin raised his wand, and before I knew it, I saw my memories flashing before my eyes. Me as a little girl on the swing in my backyard, my parents smiling down on me as I changed my hair colour for the first time ever, Charlie Weasley telling me a boy named Jacob liked me in fifth year, me kissing Jacob, me kissing Bill Weasley, me kissing –

"Stop!" I screamed, and it stopped. The room came back into vision, along with Lupin, standing a few feet from me, his eyes wide. Please, please God he didn't see that. "You – you broke into my mind!"

Lupin looked down. "Yes."

"How dare you?" I shrieked, and I saw guilt cloud his vision. "Those are my _private_ thoughts! You just can't do that! How _dare _you!" I pushed him roughly on the chest, feeling for a moment how incredibly skinny he was. But I didn't care.

I ran from the room, not wanting or waiting for him to reply.

_5:45 PM_

I'm lying on my bed, the whole situation racing through my mind over and over again. I should actually be angry at Lupin for breaking into my memories. It was a nasty thing to do, and normally, I probably would. But I just couldn't be. He had been so, so close to seeing that memory of us, all those years ago. If he saw that …

I turned around on my bed, facing the wall. I rubbed my forearm hard, as though trying to scrub the tattoo right off my skin. I just wanted this day to be over.

---

**A/N: **R&R? (also: any OOCness on Lupin's part will be explained next chapter, if you haven't got it already).


	7. The Discovery

**Disclaimer**: The usual.

* * *

Chapter Six: The Discovery

Day Two:

_9:05 AM_

Made breakfast. Didn't burn Lupin's sausages. My heart just wasn't into it.

_9:10 AM_

Ginny asked me to change noses for her. I said no. She looked sad.

_9:12 AM_

I changed my nose for her.

_9:13 AM_

I'm such a sucker.

_9:19 AM_

Lupin is looking at me. He looks really, really tired.

_9:20 AM_

Maybe he's sorry.

_9:21 AM_

I don't care anyways.

_9:22 AM_

Breakfast was getting really quiet. Molly tried to start conversation.

"Lovely day, today," she commented with a smile.

I looked out the window. It was raining.

"How sad, though," she said. I looked up. She was staring right at me. It was really quite creepy.

"Er … yeah," I agreed, totally lost.

"Full moon," she continued, nodding sadly. I could see Lupin shake his head beside me. "Always puts a damper on everything." She sighed, and smiled broadly. "How are you today, Tonks, dear?"

Oh-_kay_.

_9:30 AM_

Left table to go upstairs. Met Sirius halfway. He was holding my Hating Lupin plan. Oh, dear.

"What is this?" he screeched, his arms folded over his chest.

"A…piece of paper." I smiled innocently. Work, work, work!

He scowled. Perhaps it only has effect on straight men. "Stop being funny. You're not funny."

"But you just said I was," I pointed out, stretching my innocent smile further.

"What are you, a clown?" he taunted, and I mirrored his scowl. Stupid sod. "Why did you write this?"

What was he doing, interrogating me? "Why did you go in my room?" I shot back, scowling and feeling about two years old.

He narrowed his eyes. "I have my reasons."

"Like?"

Ignoring me, he shoved the paper in my face. "Why'd you write this?"

"Why do you _think_, genius?"

"But why am I on it?" He looked a bit panicked, honestly. He lowered his tone, his eyes huge and worried, "You're…you're not going to tell him…are you?"

I almost giggled. _Almost_. Then I remembered a lovesick, tortured soul with a six-pack and huge arm muscles to boot was not a person to be messing with.

"I won't tell him," I said, finally. I might, still, anyways.

Sirius smiled and walked away. Ah, the lovesick ones are always so gullible. Mwahaha.

_10:15 AM_

Saw Lupin. He opened his mouth. I walked away.

_11:58 AM_

Went to go visit my grandma. Our conversation went a little like this:

**Her: **Got a boyfriend yet?

**Me:** No, Grandma.

**Her: **Like anyone?

**Me:** No, Grandma.

**Her: **What good are you, then, eh? What good's a girl who can't even land a stable bloke? You're disgracing this family, I tell you, disgracing!

**Me:** I know, Grandma. I'm an embarrassment.

**Her:** Too right you are, young missy! Now, where's my tea?

**Me:** Right here, Grandma.

**Her: **Ah … thank you … Have you at least got your eye on someone?

**Me:** -sigh- No, Grandma.

We don't always see eye-to-eye, her and me. My mom always told me I was just like her. I always told her to piss off. As anyone could probably tell, I have a very close relationship to my family.

_2:34 PM_

Got back to Grimmauld Place. Was very hungry. Grandma refused to feed me until I got a boyfriend.

_2:45 PM_

Charlie Weasley walked in on me stuffing my face. He looked quite disgusted, and then began to stuff his face as well. Hypocrite.

_2:55 PM_

I told Emmeline Vance Lupin was a virgin. I couldn't help it. She told me to go buck a fuffalo, to put it nicely.

Am thinking that I should just let Lupin talk to me, as he seems to be following me around now.

_2:56 PM_

Nah.

_3:04 PM_

Molly Weasley cornered me, and starting dropping major hints. About what, I know not. She's a very confusing woman.

"Have you spoken to Lupin lately?" she was saying.

"No…" I squinted at her. If I hadn't known better, I'd have thought she was matchmaking. Actually, I _don't_ know better, so anything's possible.

"Has he, oh, I don't know, let you in on anything …particularly interesting yet?"

I raised an eyebrow. "No…"

"All right, dear," she said, sounding cheerful but looking murderous. "Have a nice day."

Things were just getting stranger and stranger.

_4:41 PM_

Kingsley stopped by. He was finally someone I could relate to. I love Kingsley.

_5:50 PM_

God, Kingsley is. So. Boring. Remind me to never bring up our profession when speaking to him. Egad.

Dinner was boring. Everyone seems to have forgotten about Lupin being a virgin, save Hestia, whom I'm sure was obvious enough with her gazes that Lupin picked up on me.

And he is still following me around. It's getting creepy.

_7:09 PM_

Am very bored. Waiting for the moon to rise. Perhaps I'll finish Lupin's manicure tonight.

_9:46 PM_

Molly was right. Full moon. It's really beautiful outside.

_9:57 PM_

Am getting very freaked out. I swear to God I'm hearing howling.

Hold on, that sounds like Sirius –

_9:59 PM_

Went out into the hallway, and have discovered it is indeed Sirius. He's yelling down the hall in the opposite direction, to Molly, I think …

He's gone now; he went back into his room…hold up, _Lupin's _room.

I froze. I just heard another howl. Oh, my God, oh, my God. It's coming from in here.

Molly just ran up the stairs. She looks frightened. I spread myself against the far wall. She didn't see me, and ran into Lupin's room behind Sirius.

_10:00 PM_

And now she's back in the hallway, looking extremely freaked out. Another loud howl. It's coming from Lupin's room, now, I'm sure. Molly's yelling something …

"Sirius, are you sure?" she was saying. She looked like she was close to tears. My mind raced. What was going on? "Are you going to be all right?"

"Do it!" I heard a hoarse reply. It barely sounded like Sirius, but he sounded hurt. Why was Molly just standing there? What was going on?

Molly took a deep breath, and pointed her wand at the door.

"Wait! Wait!" I ran out of the shadows and up to Molly. Her already pale faced whitened when she saw. "What's going on?" My own voice sounded weak and scared, and I mentally cursed myself. It was nothing. It had to be nothing.

"Tonks …" she gulped loudly, wincing as we heard another piercing howl.

"What's going _on_?" My eyes flooded with nervous tears. I told myself to stop it. I was strong. I was being stupid.

"He's transformed," she croaked, her lip shaking from suppressed sobs. "This wasn't supposed to happen, I brewed the potion just right, I did everything I was supposed to…"

My mind spun, and I suddenly realized I had seen that potion before. Snape had brewed it in my sixth year for the whole class.

"Wolfsbane," he had whispered softly, sneering as per usual. "A potion that doesn't cure lycanthropy, but prevents the drinker from fully transforming mentally into a werewolf."

Oh, my God.

"No!" I shrieked, and tried to run towards the door. _I_ had done this; _I _had prevented the potion from fully working. _This was my fault_.

Molly held me back. "Arthur!" she cried, and like magic, her husband appeared. "Take her back to her room, please!" Arthur looked confused for a moment, but she elaborated, "the Wolfsbane didn't work."

Still struggling, Arthur took me to my room, much to my protests.

"You don't understand," I cried, as he meant to close the door behind him.

"Tonks, you mustn't be prejudiced," he said with a sad smile. "He's still the same man underneath."

And he left me alone.

I fell back against my bed, my breath raspy and labored. He thought I was prejudiced? I wasn't. I was guilty. This was my fault…_my fault_…

Turning to my side and shutting my eyes tight, I tried to ignore the distant howling from down the hall. I couldn't.

I had almost fallen asleep when the full realization hit me.

_Lupin_ was a werewolf.

---

**A/N: **Just warning, next chapter will be a bit more serious, but it'll all lighten up from there on out ... :)


	8. Hate Me, Please

**Disclaimer: **All belongs to JK Rowling.

**A/N: **Ah … Tonks is a bit … er … **-sad-**, in this chapter. Just to warn you. It'll all get better eventually, though, don't worry :)

* * *

Chapter Seven: Hate Me, Please

I lay in bed 'til like twelve the next day. I didn't want to get up. This could only get worse.

Sirius came in at about ten past. Usually I would yell at him. I didn't. "You missed lunch and breakfast." He looked exhausted.

"I don't care," I replied. I wasn't hungry, I wasn't thirsty, I wasn't thinking.

"He's a werewolf. So what." He sounded angry. I suppose Arthur told him I was prejudiced.

"You don't get it, all right?" I snapped. I couldn't let anyone know what I'd done. I'd be thrown out of the Order, or something equally as humiliating. I deserved it though.

"Yes, I do," answered Sirius. "I've seen this happen to Lupin tons of times before, his colleagues, friends, turning their back on him once they've found out about his condition …"

"You don't _get it_," I repeated through gritted. For some reason, I really, _really_ wanted to tell Sirius. I needed to share the burden.

"Nymphadora, you have to understand …" Why is he calling me that? He can't call me that. What if Lupin heard? Everything would …

I couldn't help it. I started to cry. I was awful. I was an awful person. I could have killed Sirius, I could have killed Molly, I could have killed _Lupin_ … just for some stupid prank!

Sirius actually looked concerned. He sat down on my bed, stroking my hair as I bawled. "Are you OK?"

"No, I'm not o-damn-k!" I screamed, throwing his hand away. I didn't deserve his frigging sympathy. "I haven't _actually _cried in ten years! This is _big_, Sirius, it's not about being prejudiced, or about Lupin being a werewolf … it's something I did, bugger it!"

Sirius looked at me, his eyes round and calculating. I took a large breath, and looked at the far wall. Lupin knew Legillimency, Sirius could too.

"Tonks, tell me," he said softly. I tried to resist his eyes. I couldn't. Damn it, why'd they have to be so big and brown and lovely to look at?

"I messed up the potion," I said, staring at my feet. I shouldn't be telling him this, I should not be telling him this … "I didn't know it was Wolfsbane, I spiked it with paprika."

Sirius looked at me for a second, his face blank, before leaving, slamming the door behind me.

_People Who Hate Me So Far_

_Sirius_

And I'd hoped he'd be the most understanding.

I'm going downstairs. Halfway down the staircase, I manage to trip and fall flat on my face. I lie there for a moment, thinking about my life, and how exactly I should end it …

"Tonks!" It's a hushed whisper. I look up. It's Ginny. She's coming towards me fast. I barely bother to push myself into a sitting position. "Did you actually mess up Lupin's potion?" Her eyes are wide.

Wow. News travels fast. "Yes," I said, staring blankly at a wall. _I want to die, I want to die, I want to die. _It's my new mantra.

"People are really pissed off," she told me, like it's the latest gossip. "Especially Sirius."

_I want to die, I want to die, I want to die. _"I gathered," I swallowed hard. "Anyone else?" _I want to die, I want to die, I want to die._

"My mom's kind of mad, but mostly because it was her potion." _I want to die, I want to die, I want to die. _"I think Mad-eye and Emmeline Vance are."

_People Who Hate Me So Far _

_Sirius_

_Molly_

_Mad-eye_

_Emmeline_

"_They_ know? Already?" _I want to die, I want to die, I want to die._

"Don't mind them, Emmeline's stuck-up, and obsessed with rules, and Mad-eye … well, is Mad-eye." I almost smiled at this.

"Is … Lupin?" I bit my lip, hard. _I want to die, I want to die, I want to die._

"Er …" _I want to die, I want to die, I want to die. _"He's not down yet, I don't think. Ah … the transformations … um … unaided by Wolfsbane, er, kind of make the morning after a hell of a lot worse." _Oh, please, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die._

Just then, a figure stirred behind us. Ginny's eyes widened, and she left hastily. _I want to die, I want to die, I want to die._

"Tonks." I stiffened. Lupin. _I want to die, I want to die, I want to die. _"Hi."

He kind-of hobbled/limped past me, and I welled up. _I want to die, I want to die, I want to die. _A long, shiny tear streaked down my nose, and Lupin around. He smiled wistfully. "I suppose you know now, then?"

_I want to die, I want to die, I want to die. _"Yes."

He hung his head. No, no, he didn't understand. "I see."

"No, wait," I said, as he started to walk away. _I want to die, I want to die, I want to die._ "I-I don't hate you, or anything. Ignore whatever Molly and Sirius have told you." He looked pensive. "I…" I welled up again, and hastily wiped away my tears. "It was me, ok? I messed up your potion, I did it, I didn't know, I just wanted to screw with you, I'm really, really sorry."

Breathing heavily, I turned and ran, not stopping until I was out the doors of the Order, and halfway down the street. _I want to die, I want to die, I want to die._

I fell down beside the trunk of a large oak tree, my head pounding.

"Are you all right, miss?" asked an old man beside me. He was obviously homeless. I had a sudden bleak idea.

"I'm fine," I said, snatching a newspaper from beside him with a slight nod. He shrugged, and waddled away with a large shopping cart in tow.

_Plan 2: Dealing With My Guilt By Becoming A Homeless Person_

I think that just about spoke for itself.

---


	9. The Ugly Filler Chapter

**Disclaimer: **The usual.

* * *

Chapter Eight: The Ugly Filler Chapter

I have officially been homeless for three hours now. Some guy actually put a dollar in my hat! It's all fun, really. I mean, all I'm doing is sitting on the park bench, looking poor, and people give me money!

I mean, apart from the whole everyone-hating-me-spiking-Lupin's-potion thing, this has been a good day!

…

I am _not _going to cry again, I am _not _going to cry again.

"Tonks?" something whispered into my ear.

I screamed and jumped up.

Hands held me down. Shaking hands. I turned slowly. They were very skinny, long, white pretty hands. I knew these hands. I looked up. And … I knew that face.

"Nice disguise, I must give you credit," said Lupin, quivering slightly. At first, I thought it was from strain or weakness or something, but then I realized he was laughing.

I think the shock of what happened has made him mad.

"Why are you laughing?" I said hoarsely, clutching my newspaper blanket to me tight.

He shook his head, and continued laughing.

"This isn't making me feel much better," I said weakly. I had driven him mad. Good job, Tonks, a new personal first!

His thin lips were still curled into a strained smile, but he was no longer laughing. "I'm sorry," he said.

"Don't say that," I said tersely.

"I mean it," he said, suddenly solemn.

"Please, just don't …" I said, shutting my eyes, and biting my lip hard to stop it from quivering.

"That was mean," he said, sounding so sincere I wanted to punch his annoyingly handsome face. "I shouldn't have laughed."

"That's not _it_," I tried again, brushing a hand through my hair nervously. "I-I could have killed you, doing what I did, you have no…no need to apologize. I don't have a right to hear that."

A smile glowed upon Lupin's tired face again, and he hung his head, but I could still see his large grin.

"Please stop," I whispered. "Why aren't you mad?"

He shook his head, looking serious again. "Tonks … you had no way of knowing. I should have told you. The blame, really, lies on me. I get Molly to make that potion for me, it's her favour, I should need not depend on it to get me through."

"But … but it was awful," I said, quickly losing wind of what I was supposed to be guilty of. "I spiked it with paprika!"

"And I have to say, it's never tasted better," he smiled. I didn't.

"But it didn't work," I said weakly.

"No, it didn't work. But I have enough years of changing fully to be able to hold on to my mind, for the most part, anyways … and with Sirius there as Padfoot, it was fine."

I blinked. "Excuse me?" Who the bloody hell was Padfoot?

Lupin blinked right back. "Has Sirius never told you of his Animagus form?"

I blinked back back. "Uh, _no_."

Lupin blinked back back back. "He learned in Hogwarts. He turns into a large black dog."

I almost giggled. Now it's actually true when I call him a son-of-a-bitch. Oh, happy days, happy days.

"Well, you never told me about being a werewolf," I said.

Lupin looked ashamed. "I was afraid of your reaction."

I almost felt guilty. I was keeping something from him, too. For a moment, I almost told him. Almost. Then I saw his face. He was smiling. He was happy. He _liked_ me. As a friend. Not as some bed buddy. I didn't want to lose that. I couldn't.

"I don't care," I said, and he smiled. "I really don't."

"Lupin, dear!" A voice behind us called. A middle-aged woman with wiry hair and a lopsided grin approached us. "Wonderful to see you again!"

She hugged him, which looked terribly awkward for Lupin, who looked like he'd rather not hug her at all. Still, he embraced her back. He was too nice.

"Matilda." He nodded at her. She blushed. I tensed. Did _everyone have a crush on Lupin_?

"Remus. So wonderful to see you again," she repeated. She flipped her hair over her shoulder, and shot a glance at me. "And who is this?"

"Oh," Lupin grabbed my hand and pulled me forward. "This is my mother."

"_Excuse me_?" How dare he! I mean, I noticed I've been looking a bit under the weather lately but that's no reason to --!

"Yes, my _mother_," he said through gritted teeth, shooting me a pointed look. "With her greying brown hair, and few teeth …"

"Well, I never --" Wait. I held up my hand to my eyes, and realized I was still in my metamorphosed homeless old lady form. Oops. "Oh, indeed," I said, adapting a Swedish accent for absolutely no good fathomable reason. Lupin stared at me incredulously. "I am his mother. He is my son. It's just … great." I smiled. Matilda raised an eyebrow. Lupin face-palmed.

"How quaint," drawled Matilda, looking very suspicious. "I'll just leave you two …" And she walked off.

I immediately changed back to my … 'normal' form. Lupin scowled down at me.

"I'm sorry?" I tried.

"_Swedish_?" he questioned, now almost smiling.

"Oh, go away," I snapped.

As we neared Headquarters, I could see Lupin visibly shrink away.

"Sirius is mad at you," he told me.

I sighed. "Oh, well."

"I'm just warning you …"

We entered the building. It seemed to be empty. Quite glad I wouldn't have to face Sirius just yet, I turned back to Lupin. "It looks pretty deserted, doesn't it?"

He nodded, and I went to shut the door. Suddenly, from behind it, Sirius jumped out, causing me to fall back onto Lupin, screaming bloody murder.

"Ow, ow, ow, ow," Lupin chorused, as I attempted to pull myself off of him.

"You scared me!" I cried. Sirius just looked angry.

"Don't you know what you've done?" he snapped

"Of course I know!" I shot back, accidentally falling back on Lupin.

"Ow, ow, ow, ow," he moaned, unheard by either Sirius or me.

"You could have killed him!" Sirius was barring his teeth, like an angry dog.

"Oh, I know, all right? I feel so bad. You couldn't even imagine," I looked away, forgetting Lupin was crying in pain underneath me.

"Ow…"

"You should know better than to mess with potions!" he snapped.

I glared at him. "He should have told me he was a werewolf!" I yelped, and Lupin opened his mouth, momentarily ignoring his pain.

Sirius cut across him, "He has a right to keep those things private."

Lupin sighed. "Ow, ow, ow …"

"Oh, just like you have a right to keep it private that you're a bloody _dog_!"

Sirius looked gob smacked. It was silent for a moment. Lupin looked around wildly, then, "Ow…"

"How do you know that?" he whispered, sounding dangerous.

I narrowed my eyes, "Lupin told me. Why didn't you tell me before?"

Sirius glared at Lupin. Lupin looked quite scared indeed. "Ow!" he tried, as Sirius advanced on him.

"Why'd you tell her?" Sirius snapped.

I said, "I _do_ have a name!" just as Lupin muttered something like, "Can't breathe, get off, can't breathe, can't breathe …"

Sirius pulled me off Lupin, and I glared at him. Lupin let out a deep breath, looking relatively less blue. "Why shouldn't I tell her?"

"My name is _Tonks_, people …"

"Because that's my business."

"Sirius, it's not a _secret_."

"Oh, and your condition is?"

"Yes. And Sirius, you don't have a condition."

"Yes I do!"

"Mental, maybe, not physical."

"Sod off."

"I would, but I think it'd be impolite."

"You're so queer."

"I think that's you," I murmured. No one seemed to hear.

Sirius and Lupin were glaring at each other. The silence seemed to be pounding down on us, becoming quickly unbearable. And just as they opened their mouths, a loud noise from upstairs sounded.

"I do not have a crush on Harry! I do not have a crush on Harry!"

The slim figures of Fred and George Weasley appeared, running through the landing as the burnt. The very angry-looking Ginny Weasley, carrying a fire-poker and chasing them furiously, soon followed them.

"Ginny you're going to have to admit it someday!" cried Fred, looking quite pale.

"I do _not like Harry Potter_! And I need not have to go into the bathroom worried that the toilet seat is going to bellow it out to the whole world!"

Fred and George looked slightly proud for a moment, before a small prod in the back with the poker alerted them once more of reality. "It only tells the truth!" George protested.

"Oh, yes, because I have a rubber chicken for a boyfriend and have purple warts covering my feet!"

Just as they span behind a corner, Fred yelled back, "It's always possible!" Followed shortly after was a yell off in insane rage, most probably on Ginny's part.

There was dead silence for a moment.

"Should we go after them?" Lupin asked.

"Nah," answered Sirius.

"They deserve what's coming to them," I said.

There was a pause.

"Well, see you around," Sirius said, nodding.

"Yep," I answered, walking off toward the bedrooms.

"Been a nice talk," Lupin said, before disappearing around the corner.

I had quite a nice sleep that night.

---

**R&R?**


	10. Into the Pensive

**Disclaimer:** If I won the lottery, maybe I could ... possibly ... in the future ... maybe ...

I am never going to own Harry Potter.

**A/N: **Wonder what this chapters going to be about -rolls eyes-

Thank you so, so much to ALL my reviewers, your comments are appreciated more than you could ever imagine :) They make any authors day!

* * *

Chapter Nine: Into the Pensive

The moonlight blanketed my face in light as I sat by the dying fire, the legs crossed and my hands placed neatly in my lap.

It was almost midnight, but I wasn't tired in the least. If anything, I was a bit agitated. I hadn't seen Lupin in over a week. I wasn't … _bothered_ by it, or anything, I was just … intrigued. He had so far been basically living in the Headquarters, and suddenly he just … disappears. All Sirius would say is that we are the Order of the Phoenix, and we have duties to fulfill. Big help that was.

Only when the fire sparked and finally died, covering me in darkness save for the moonlight, did I actually notice it. A small glow, coming from the corner of the room, trapped between two heavy looking books.

This was the library. It wasn't really odd to see something like that. I assumed it was an enchanted book. However, I stood up and decided to check it out anyways. What did I have to lose?

The light seemed to become more and more white as I neared it. _Well, walking into the white light is never a good sign_. I was a few feet away when I realized it wasn't coming from a book. It was coming from a large, dome shaped object. I suddenly realized I was holding my breath, and sighed. I moved the two books that were covering it away. I gasped. It was a Pensive!

The memories were swirling fast and colorfully inside it. I stretched my fingers out, almost touching it. Who's was it? I doubt many people had them, never mind just leaving them out like this.

The white light sparked, and I narrowed my eyes. I could almost, _almost_ see the images swirling around in them. I stretched out my fingers again, ready to touch the surface …

No! I pulled away. What am I thinking? These are someone's memories. I can't just go snooping around.

…

But it could prove to be very interesting.

_No! It's dishonest!_

Oh, they'll never know.

_It's still dishonest._

God, when I have I ever had a conscience? Go away.

_No!_

I don't care what you say. You're just a little voice.

_You're very mean._

Mwahaha!

_Funny._

Go die in a hole … oh, that's right – you can't! You're not alive! You don't have a body! Hah!

_Fine. Go and invade someone's privacy. See if I care._

Ok.

_Wait, no!_

But I took a deep breath, and dunked my head in the foggy surface. Immediately I found myself on the floor of something or other, out of breath and feeling quite dizzy.

I looked up at the scene. It was Hogwarts. I seemed to be on the Quidditch Pitch. People on brooms were whizzing around above me. However, my attention was drawn to the two people standing beside me, watching the people on the brooms. One of the figures I recognized immediately. The other, I had never met, but knew who it was on concept.

"God, I hate flying," said Lily Potter, her arms crossed firmly over her chest, and her foot tapping impatiently on the ground. "Why are we even watching this?"

"Because your wonderful James Potter is up there, giving the performance of his life," answered a much younger Remus Lupin, smiling slightly. My heart pounded as I stared, awestruck. His smile was still the same.

"Oh, right." Lily smiled at him. Lupin seemed to blush, but Lily didn't notice. My eyes widened as I watched him look at her, the expression in his eyes not actually familiar, but easy to place …

"Oi!" One of the flying figures swooped down towards Lupin and Lily, his dark black hair flopping around in the wind. "Lily. You should join us up here." He winked, and she wrinkled her nose.

"James, I hate flying. You spent five years stalking me. You should know that." I smiled wistfully, and watched as Lupin laughed. Lily looked at him, smiling, but James had eyes only for Lily. My hearts gives another loud pound.

"Sorry, darling," he attempted to kiss her on the lips, but she turned, so he only got her cheek instead. He looked slightly disappointed, but Lily pretended she didn't notice.

"Prongs!" Sirius called from the sky. He's passing the Quaffle between him and another man, whom I can only assume is Peter Pettigrew. I wrinkle my nose in disgust.

James swooped back up into the sky, and Lupin and Lily turned back to each other.

"You should have let him kiss you," Lupin is saying, looking suddenly spiteful. This time, I think, Lily did notice. "Would have made his day."

"I'm not ready for that yet," she said, looking Lupin hard in the eye. He's determinedly looking in the other direction. "We've only just started dating. I still haven't fully recovered from hating his guts."

"I suppose then it's hard to have a civilized chat with me," Lupin said wistfully. His eyes darted around the stadium, finally stopping on the exact place where I'm standing. I feel quite funny, knowing he's looking right through me. "Me being a Marauder and just as bad as him."

Lily looks suddenly solemn. "You were never like him," she said softly. He finally looked over at her. Her eyes widened, and they both adapted the same expression. They looked lost, unaware of what's going on around them. They start to near, before a loud, "_That was my eye, Padfoot_!" awakened them back to reality. I suddenly feel very relieved Sirius decided to be an idiot and accidentally punch James in the eye while trying to grab the Snitch.

There was a long silence. Lupin stared at his feet, while Lily fiddled with the buttons on her sweater. "I have to go," he said finally, standing up.

"We should talk," she replied, also getting to her feet. _No_, I thought, breathing heavily. _Talk is bad. Talk is stupid. Just sit down; please sit down, please, please._

"No," said Lupin, without looking back. "I'm fine, we're fine, really. Bye."

She stopped, her eyes looking suddenly over bright, and turned away, looking determinedly over at James.

Lupin doesn't look back.

As the memory begins to fade, I realize I'm being stupid. This is the past. The _past_.

The next few memories go by as just flashes: a little pale boy trying to climb a tree, a grown-up Remus Lupin reading the article of James and Lily's death in shock, a present-day Lupin drinking the Wolfsbane potion painfully, and a toddler smiling up at two tall, brown-haired people, presumably his parents.

I feel myself falling, before I land painfully on my knees, surrounding in darkness. I shakily stood up, feeling along the walls carefully. I suddenly touched something that was not wall-ish at all. In fact, it felt quite –

"_Lumos_," said a voice just before me. A light flashes and brightens the room right before my eyes. I backed away slightly, trying to readjust my eyes. Standing before me, at the doorframe, is Sirius. He lowers his wand, and I quickly take in his appearance. Definitely post-Azkaban. His hair is matted, his faced worn and his eyes haunted. "What are you doing here?" said Sirius to the blatant emptiness.

"Thinking," replied the emptiness. I jumped. _No one's there_! Quickly moving towards the couch, I lean over the side and see Lupin, sitting on the floor, staring into the cold fireplace.

"About?" Sirius crosses the room and sits down beside Lupin. He looks quite cross. His lower lip was stuck out, and he was staring flatly ahead. Basically a pout.

"Things." Obviously Lupin was not in a talkative sort of mood.

"About?" Obviously Sirius wasn't getting that.

Lupin looks at the far wall, chewing tentatively on his lip. "I'd rather like to be alone, Sirius."

"Moony," Lupin suddenly looked very annoyed, "I don't want you to be alone." Sirius' voice was soft. I actually, unexpectedly and slightly disturbingly, felt bad for him. He was trying to there for Lupin. He wanted to be _noticed_.

"_Sirius_," Lupin's emphasis on the word was obvious, "that's not your call to make. I really need to think." Seeing Sirius' face, and misinterpreting it as friendly concern, his tone softened, and he smiled slightly, "I'm sorry. And I'm fine, really, if that's what your thinking. I've just …" His eyes go up to the ceiling and back again, "had some … unnecessary thoughts I need to evaluate."

Sirius was silent for a moment. It looked as though he might get up, before his eyes snapped to Lupin and he spoke, "It's about Tonks, isn't it?" His tone was harsh, and accusative.

My heart stopped cold. Lupin looked as though his had done the same. "What?" he managed, looking very guilty indeed. Guilty of what, I wasn't sure.

"Your thoughts," Sirius practically spat. Actually, he did … I grimaced as I wiped a glob of spit off of my robes. "Your thinking '_unnecessary thoughts_' about our dear Tonks here, aren't you?"

"Wha-why would you think that?" Lupin jittered, his hands clasped very tightly together on his lap.

"Oh, come off it, _Lupin_," snapped Sirius, standing up, and pacing around by the fireplace. He looked livid.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Lupin told him. Personally, he didn't look very convincing.

Apparently, Sirius didn't buy it either. "You're an awful liar," he accused, wringing his hands together. Lupin watched him, blanched.

There was a moment's silence, where I was sure one of them would hear my heart pounding in my chest. "I don't know what you're talking about," said Lupin, breaking the silence, and staring unblinkingly into Sirius' eyes. _He was getting better at it._

"Fuck!" There was a loud bang and I saw Sirius had wiped everything off the mantle onto the ground. Lupin stared at the mess, and Sirius swore again loudly. "I've seen the way you look at her, Lupin, we all have!"

Lupin raised his eyes. He looked incredibly calm, especially since everything around me seemed to be spinning in circles and I could hardly breathe. "Sirius, you're not –"

"I'm not what, Lupin?" Sirius yelled, coming closer to the man, and staring demonically into his eyes. Hell, _I _was scared, and I was more than a few feet away. Lupin didn't blink an eye. "Huh? She's my _baby cousin_, Lupin! I mean, you even met her yourself when she was just a toddler." Lupin looked slightly taken aback. "It's sick," raged Sirius, standing up and walking away. He glared daggers into the mirror before him, his hands balled into fists at his sides. It was only a matter of time before Sirius punched that mirror into pieces.

Lupin eyes were closed, and had one hand risen to his forehead. He looked so calm, peaceful. I wondered if he was sleeping. I resisted the temptation to go and pinch him. "I don't know what's come over me, Sirius." His voice was soft and … guilty?

Sirius said nothing, but his hands relaxed. I let out a breath I hadn't realized I had been holding.

"Whatever feelings I have towards Tonks are merely a passing fancy." Even as Lupin spoke what was probably the truth, I couldn't help but feel as though I had gotten stuck halfway through Apparition, my middles squashed together by a rubber tube. "I don't know what's come over me," he said again, looking completely sincere. "But it will stop. I know I'm being silly. I have no desire to pursue a relationship." Lupin snorted, earning a glare from Sirius, "And, well, honestly, she would never dream of having one with me." He smiled slightly at his 'crazy' statement, while Sirius looked almost worried.

"Of course she wouldn't," Sirius whispered. I don't think Lupin even heard him. "Still, Moony, fourteen years," he shook his head wistfully, "that's way too young." Sirius didn't even look convinced. Lupin did.

"I know. I'm being silly." I think Lupin had a habit of repeating himself. "I'm sorry."

Sirius smiled smugly. White-hot rage filled my body suddenly filled my body, and I tried to look away.

"Does everyone really pick up on my feelings?" Lupin asked, worried. _No_, I thought sullenly.

Sirius shrugged. "I should go," he said, his voice fading. As the memory began to fade to black, I caught a quick look at Lupin's face. He looked drawn, exhausted and guilty. So, so guilty.

Just as I could see the makings of another memory forming, I turned quickly, bashing into something squishy, soft … and smelling like mint chocolate. That was weird …

I gasped at the tall figure standing before me.

"Any particular reason why you're looking through my memories today?" Remus Lupin asked, eyebrow raised.

_Oh, shit_.

--

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	11. Out of My Head

**Disclaimer:** Am I still a young fanfic writer obsessed with Harry Potter with no rights whatsoever? Check.

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Chapter Ten: Out of My Head

"I – I didn't …" Lupin didn't even really look upset. Just … curious. "I didn't mean to … well, I mean I-I did, but I didn't … _know_ they were your memories, I just …"

Lupin was now looking at the memory starting to appear before us. The scene was changing to that of the Hogwarts astronomy tower, and the figures of Lupin, James, Sirius and Pettigrew began to focus.

"I'm really sorry," I said, managing to actually not stutter. Lupin wasn't paying attention. Such a _him _thing to do to not pay attention to an apology. "I'm _sorry_," I repeated a bit louder.

"Sh!" he said.

Did he just _shush_ me?

"Are – aren't you _mad _or anything? Have you no _human emotions_?" I went right up under his nose.

He looked down at me, almost irritated. Almost. "I don't see why I should be mad. It was my fault I left it out like this. All I'm worried about is what memories you may be exposed to."

_Exposed to_? What, was his life like a nuclear gas or something?

I opened my mouth to reply but, again, he wasn't paying attention.

"Bloody great view this is, Padfoot," an unknown voice said.

I turned to the scene unraveling before me. James was nudging Sirius in the arm, grinning.

"It is nice," said what looked like a sixth-year Lupin resignedly, his deep brown eyes staring up at the starry sky.

"Great make-out spot," James said, wacky grin on his face.

"Lily's never going to do that with you," said Lupin and Sirius simultaneously, both wearing extremely dull and bored expressions.

James looked heartbroken. "She might," he muttered.

Suddenly a loud banging could be heard from the outside of the door. "I know you're in there, boys!"

"McGonagall!" squeaked Pettigrew. All of them jumped to their feet, James grasping what looked like an Invisibility Cloak tight.

"Is that --?" I started, but Lupin nodded his head before I could even finish.

"There's only enough room for two or three of us," James whispered, quickly putting it on. "Can't you two do the charm you used to sneak up here?" He pointed to Lupin and Sirius. They drew their wands, but it was too late. Just as Pettigrew and James slipped under the Cloak, the door opened.

Eyes wide, I watched as Sirius grabbed Lupin's face and pressed his lips to his hastily.

"We should go now," real-life Lupin said from beside me. He looked quite embarrassed.

I fought down the urge to giggle uncontrollably.

McGonagall stormed, looking livid. "What are you -?" She stopped in mid-sentence, looking wide-eyed at the pair before her. Lupin had his eyes wide open, and was staring at McGonagall, but Sirius seemed to be playing his part _very_ well.

I felt real-Lupin grasp my hand just as sixth-year Sirius and Lupin broke apart. "Let's go," Lupin whispered in my ear, and I almost didn't notice the shiver going down my spine.

I expected to feel the sensation of being tugged out of the Pensive, but, strangely, I felt nothing. I glanced over at Lupin, who looked thoroughly confused.

"Sorry, Professor," said Hogwarts-Sirius, looking very sheepish indeed. He could _act_! "We didn't mean for this to happen, really … just, suddenly, we couldn't control ourselves …"

Somewhere between giggling madly and seriously concerned, I spoke, "Why aren't we going?"

Real-life Lupin exclaimed, "I don't know!" Just as mini-Lupin cried, "_Excuse me_?"

McGonagall raised an eyebrow, and mini-Lupin blushed. I swore I could hear Pettigrew and James giggling. "I mean, that's r-right Professor. We couldn't stop ourselves!" mini-Lupin squeaked, the words looking painful.

"What do you _mean_, you don't know? Get us out! This is _your _pensive!" I exclaimed.

Sirius had a terrible, pleased lopsided grin on his face.

"It must be – is Sirius…?" Real-Lupin looked at me, wide-eyed.

"Yes," I answered flatly, just as McGonagall exclaimed, "Get _out_! Right now! I will not give out detentions or take off House points but in future, for Gods sake, _find a closet_!"

McGonagall stormed out of the room, closely followed by Lupin, who was wiping his lips hastily.

Sirius was looking a bit too far downward behind Lupin for my taste.

"Is he –?" Lupin started, looking quite green.

"Yes."

"But I never –"

"Well, he is."

"But – "

"He is, believe me."

Lupin looked very green indeed.

The memory started to fade with Lupin yelling at Sirius, "_What was that_?" And James and Pettigrew throwing off the Cloak and collapsing on the ground in laughter.

I turned back to Lupin, who seemed to have already let the Sirius thing slip, and was now looking up at the never-ending blackness, looking quite worried.

"I don't understand," he was muttering.

"We-we can't be _trapped_," I cried, wringing my hands together. "I have life to live! I'm not ready to die!"

Lupin looked at me, slightly patronizing. "We'll be fine, Tonks. Just breathe …" He turned away, and I stuck out my tongue at him. "It must have been sealed …"

"How could it have been sealed? Who would seal it? LUPIN!" I screamed as he continued muttering, ignoring me.

"Yes?" He said, turning back to me, looking indefinitely scholarly.

"_Get. Me. Out. Of. Here_!" I shrieked, jumping up and down in one spot. I couldn't help it. I didn't want to be stuck in a Pensive forever! I was _scared_!

"I can't," he said quite helplessly.

"I don't want to be stuck here forever," I sobbed.

"I don't want you be stuck with you, either," said Lupin mournfully.

"What's so wrong with me?" I snapped.

"Well, a lot," he said so I wasn't sure whether he was being playful or not. "But I just don't want you looking through all my … somewhat … _private _memories." He looked uncomfortable.

"Like your first time?" I smirked.

"Exactly like – " Lupin cut off, giving me a Look, and turning quite red.

The scene finally began to appear, and we saw the image of a quaint little house, with a white picket fence and a small front lawn. Though it was placed in a small, cozy little neighborhood, the house seemed somewhat insolated from the rest of the houses.

"Is this your house?" I asked.

"My childhood one, yes," answered Lupin, looking plaintively down at his feet.

I wrinkled my brow. "Well, no need to be embarrassed. It's not that ugly –" Lupin looked up and glared at me, "–er, not ugly at all."

Lupin looked back down at his shoes. "It's not that," I thought I heard him mumble.

The next second I saw the image of a younger Lupin strutting up to said house. Well, not really strutting, but it was the best word to use. He kind of looked like he had a wedgie or something.

I narrowed my eyes, and saw what I believed to be the figure of a girl. I couldn't really tell. Did I mention it was nighttime? Well, it was nighttime.

"That's it," I heard young-Lupin mumble. His words were slurred a bit.

I giggled. "Are you _drunk_?" I asked real-life Lupin.

He went pink and mumbled something that sounded like, "Itwasalongtimeago."

I giggled some more, following closely behind the two, rounding quickly in on the house. The girl was _obviously_ totally plastered, as she couldn't walk in a straight line and was leaning heavily on Lupin, who luckily seemed to have a _teensy_ bit more control.

"You know I fink you're experimentally hot," slurred the girl through bouts of giggles. I had no clue what she meant by experimentally. I heard Lupin groan from beside me.

The younger-Lupin … _giggled_ and nudged her playfully. I caught real-Lupin's eyes and mimed gagging. His jaw steeled, and he grasped my elbow tightly.

"Ow! You're hurting me!" I cried, swatting his arm with my other.

"That's it, we're going. _Now_!" He bellowed the last word, as if the intensity of it would just magically take us out of the Pensive. There was an eerie silence for a moment, before Lupin let go of my elbow, and made frustrated sounds while throwing his arms up helplessly in the air.

"It was … er … a good try?" I smiled hugely and fakely, but Lupin didn't seem to notice.

"Someone _must_ have sealed this," he was muttering, feeling around in the dark.

"Well, you're not doing any good feeling around like you're a blind man," I told him, and he responded with just looking at me. I have to admit, it was unnerving. For a wimp. "Let's just sit back and enjoy the show."

"These are my _memories_," he said in horror.

"Oh, stop being such a drama queen," I snapped. He looked at me again, in such a way I knew he was trying desperately to hold back the venom he was feeling. "You've proven yourself to be quite interesting."

"Oh, that's good," he said boredly, crossing his arms over his chest.

Just then, younger Lupin and Drunk n' Stupid Gal reached the door. "Ooh! Look!" I jumped up in excitement, and ran up really close to the scene. Lupin barred his teeth and followed me.

"Can you please close your eyes?" He asked me suddenly.

"Huh?" I responded, paying no attention to him. The scene at hand was getting quite interesting.

"Close your eyes," he repeated, and I felt a pair of thin hands shield my eyes suddenly.

"Hey! Stop it!" I said, struggling with his firm grasp. "What is your problem?"

"These are my memories, and –" I bit his hand hard, and withdrew it rapidly with a loud yelp. "_What was that_!"

But I wasn't listening. Suddenly I could see why Lupin hadn't wanted me looking. Younger-Lupin and the girl were now making out and touching each other in ways I had rather not wanted to see.

Disgusted, and an unusual painful tugging sensation sweeping through my body, I turned away, my face flushed.

"Sorry," I mumbled, but I couldn't bear to look at Lupin. There was silence for a moment, before I could hear an unfamiliar male voice yell loudly,

"_Remus Lupin! What do you think you're playing at? Who's she? What are you doing here? Remus? Remus_!"

I snuck a glance at the scene, and saw both Lupin's blushing profusely. I couldn't help but smile. Real-Lupin caught my expression and rolled his eyes. I stuck out my tongue.

"I-I," young-Lupin stammered, suddenly sober.

"I hafta go," slurred the girl, who obviously wasn't. "Bye." She attempted to kiss Lupin, but he moved away. She left without a second glance.

The brusque man was left with Lupin, his small moustache twitching furiously. "Is that your dad?" I mouthed to Lupin, forgetting the scene before us wasn't actually going on right now.

Lupin stared down at his shoes, nodding slowly. I bit my lip, pretending it wasn't funny.

Lupin-Elder was a large, pale man, with an overflowing belly and an unshaven face, but not to the point of a beard. Just a small, brown moustache, clashing comically with his thoroughly gray hair. He seemed to barely have any eyebrow, and his large brown eyes seemed to be the only attractive feature on his body, yet they seemed painfully out-of-place.

I stuck a glance at real-Lupin, and then again at younger Lupin. They had, indeed, inherited the man's eyes. And rather then the whole graying hair factor, it seemed to be the only thing.

"What have you been doing, boy?" Lupin-Elder demanded, spit flying from his mouth as he spoke. I grimaced, and stepped backwards. Real-Lupin sent me what looked like an apologetic glance.

When younger Lupin failed to answer, Lupin-Elder neared him, looking very angry indeed. "You know what the rules are about girls!" he yelped, his voice sounding more like an upset puppy dog than menacing, really.

"I'm sorry," younger Lupin said, not meeting his father's eyes.

"And you should be, Remus!" his father said, grabbing the boy's face and lifting it up to his own. I winced compulsively, and looked away hastily as Lupin's eyes found mine. "And you've been drinking …" His father sighed impatiently, "You _know_ the rules, Remus!"

"Jack?" A distant voice sounded. I paused for a moment. It sounded almost exactly like Lupin's, save for the feminine quality. It was soft, yet slightly hoarse. Quite nice, really…

I shook my head hastily, and tried to concentrate at the situation at hand. "Jack?" the voice called again, momentarily followed by a body. The woman standing by Lupin-Elder ("Jack") was extremely thin, so much so that she looked ill. There were bags under her eyes, and her skin was an unnatural yellow color. Her eyes held a dark blue sparkle, and her lips were heavy and red. Her hair framed her face in black wisps, the rest of it held up tightly in a bun. I understood she must be Lupin's mother, but I was nevertheless surprised. I had expected her to look more like Lupin, as his father so obviously did not. Beside the extreme skinniness, she held less resemblance to Lupin than his father did. I surveyed real-Lupin again. He really did look nothing like his parents.

"Mariette, go back in the house," Lupin-Elder said quickly. I couldn't help but pick up on a note of panic and worry in his voice. I looked over at Lupin, but he was staring blankly in the opposite direction.

"No, Jack …" She smiled at younger Lupin, the corners of her eyes crinkling warmly. "You're being to hard on him. He's young, he needs to …" Suddenly her eyes widened, and her body racked with wheezing coughs.

Younger Lupin and Jack both jumped towards her, whispering warmly towards her, and ushering her into the house.

The memory started to fade, and I fell back against something hard, my breathing uneven. _Lupin's mother … she must have been sick … _I glanced over at Lupin, and saw he still seemed to be in another place. _She must have died._ My heart prodded painfully, and I unknowingly found myself going towards Lupin.

"I'm sorry," I said, and he glanced up at me, confused. "About your mother," I clarified, tugging on the edge of my sleeve.

"It's in the past," he said, smiling wistfully.

There was a momentary silence, which I felt compelled to break, "You don't look like them."

Lupin glanced up me, "I know. I look like my grandfather, on my mother's side." Not waiting for me to reply, he reached into his pocket, and drew out an old photograph. "Here," he said, handing it to me, "that's him."

I almost gasped. The man in the picture looked exactly like Lupin, save for the dark green eyes this man was sporting. His jaw was strong, his face clean-shaven, and his hair a mousy brown, and hanging just over his eyes. His smile was wide and cheerful, a set of white, slightly crooked teeth gleaming out at me. He was breathtaking.

I blushed as I realized my mouth had been hanging open, and I quickly gave the picture back to Lupin, who pocketed it without a word. "You …" I cleared my throat. "You look just like him."

"I know," he said, smiling slightly. _That_ smile.

There was a moment of silence, getting more and more awkward with every breath. "So," I asked quickly, "how are we going to get out of here?"

"Well," Lupin leaned back slightly, his eyes watching the new scene begin to clear in front of us. "We wait."

---

**A/N:** Thank you everyone for all the reviews. They are very, very much appreciated!


	12. Days Two and Three

Disclaimer: Nothing is owned by myself.

A/N: I am addicted to cliffhangers. I can't help it, I can't help it! My apologies.

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Chapter Eleven: Days Two and Three

Day Two In Hell Hole (aka Remus Lupin's Memories)

After giggling through about five awkward teenage romance moments, all in which ended very badly, and Lupin not getting any, I have to say, I was quite tired. We both were laid back against the ground, staring into the ever-changing scenes.

"Try it again," I mumbled. We waited for a moment. Nothing. "Try it again."

"Tonks, I've already tried it twenty-nine times. We are indefinitely stuck here!" Lupin looked quite bashful.

"Anything you don't want me to see?" I teased, restraining a large yawn.

"Not –" Lupin paused, looking in deep thought. Finally he blushed, and turned to me, his dark eye wide. "Er, Tonks – what did you see, exactly? Before I got here?"

A sinking, terrible sensation fell to my stomach. I had barely had time to even process what I saw. What he told Sirius … how he felt about me … or how he used to feel …

"Nothing," I heard myself say briskly, as though a million miles away. "Nothing interesting." Lupin looked inquisitive, and I was pressed to continue. "Well, I just … saw you as a child … and … and … a memory … with, er, you and your friends … playing Quidditch, well, you were watching, but they were …" My voice drifted off. Lupin looked terribly thoughtful, if not a little worried, too.

"Huh," he said flatly, as it that would resolve everything. "Huh."

The scene, (which had been a small picnic on a weekend afternoon in Hogwarts, with a mouse-ish looking girl who had ended up going off with James for a walk around the lake, leaving Lupin alone) had changed. The dark, warm setting of the Grimmauld Place kitchen at night appeared, and I saw the image of Lupin taking a sip of hot cocoa.

"Wow, this looks interesting," I said, sarcasm dripping from my words, looking over at real-Lupin. He was … blushing furiously? "Oh, my God!" I exclaimed, feeling giddy for the first time since the memory of Sirius daring Lupin to wear a thong. "What happens? Tell me, please, the suspense is killing me!"

"Nothing happens," he mumbled in a muffled voice.

"Oh, come off it," I snapped, "you're bright red! Something happens!"

"You are demanding, you know that?" He returned, just looking at me. "It's quite grating, after awhile."

"You're quite predictable," I said back, my eyes sparkling. "Now tell me what happens!"

"ARGH!" said a voice suddenly, from the memory.

I jumped, and impulsively grabbed real-Lupin's hand. For a moment, I didn't even notice. One embarrassing, hide-your-face-with-a-paper-bag, worse than death kind of moment.

Lupin actually cleared his throat before I noticed, jumped away and blushed, which made it all a million times worse.

The Lupin in the scene was staring, wide-eyed at the cupboard under the kitchen sink, which was shaking violently.

"What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it?" I chanted, tugging on Lupin's sleeve and bouncing on my heels.

Real-Lupin was mumbling something under his breath.

Just then the scene-Lupin took out his wand, saying some incantation under his breath. Under a breath was a big thing for Lupin.

Suddenly the cupboard burst open, only to reveal…me?

Except, I wasn't looking quite as glamorous as usual. My usually relatively smooth, white face (I'm gifted, I know) was pockmarked, and a nasty shade of yellow. My eyes were closed, and bordered with heavy black lines. My lips were open slightly, showing off the aggravating thinness that I always tried to hide away by keeping my mouth closed. My limbs were sprawled at very awkward angles, and my shirt was ripped to pieces (aw, don't worry, not that much …), displaying a long, jagged scar I sure as heck wasn't sporting now. I was … dead.

"Can you see the future?" I asked Real-Lupin, half amazed and half scared out of my mind.

"Of course not," Lupin told me brusquely. I pouted. "It's … er …"

Scene-Lupin stared at Dead-me, looking bewildered. "Tonks?" he whispered, putting a hand on my chest.

"Eh, watch it," I grumbled. Real-Lupin scowled.

Scene-Lupin looked actually really sad. Aw. "Tonks …" Suddenly his eyes narrowed, looking at a spot on me that was apparently only visible to him. He stood up suddenly and whispered, "Riddikulus!"

Dead-me twirled around a few times, and then flew back into the cupboard. My mouth was wide open. "Wha-you-huh-wow."

Scene-Lupin muttered something, again, under his breath, causing a loud pop, while Real-Lupin blushed.

"That is so sweet. Dead-me is your Boggart!" I cooed, finally managing something that wasn't gibberish.

Lupin looked angered at my praise. Well, kinda. "I don't know why it is that," he said, all monotone-like.

Scene-Lupin was just staring at the floor, still looking a bit lost. Then he shook his head, and went off in the other direction, hands stuck in his pockets.

"It must mean you like me," I told him. He looked scared. "Not like that," I rushed; hoping dearly he won't figure out I saw The Tell-All Memory. "I mean, you don't hate me. Which is a surprise," I grinned, nudging him. He looked half bemused, half … not.

"Well," He said, then stopped. I waited for a moment, but he didn't continue.

"I like you, too," I told him, quite seriously.

He stared at his shoes.

It was going to be a long day.

---

Day Three In Awkward Land (aka Remus Lupin's memories)

I had to endure a dozen more memories, half of them about Lupin's dear childhood duck, Duckie.

"God, do you ever sleep?" I complained grumpily, as Duckie and his best friend, the chewed-up dishtowel, finally faded into blackness.

"Well, I have been around for thirty-five years," he retorted, just as crossly. "I ought to have quite a few memories!"

"Hmph." I said, listening to my stomach growl. I conjured up a bowl of cereal.

"Do you ever stop eating?" Lupin asked me, looking bewildered.

"Conjured-food isn't filling," I told him plainly, taking a big mouthful. Lupin grimaced, disgusted.

The next scene started to appear, and wriggled my toes, clad in pink-orange flip-flops that, yes, I do wear as slippers.

I recognized the scene immediately as the Gryffindor common room – after all, I had been one myself. I smirked happily.

Lupin immediately paled. "No, no," he muttered. "Why? Why, God? Why these memories? Why in front of her?"

I tutted.

Lupin ignored me, "_Why_?"

"Aw, relax, I won't judge you." I saw Lily enter, immediately catching Lupin's eye, who was seated on the sofa. They were looking at each other just like they had at the Quidditch pitch that day. "Holy crap, Lupin, I'm judging you! Don't do it! Don't do it! Dirty! Dirty!"

Lupin paled to the point of deadness at my rants.

"Hi," said Lily, breathless. I scowled. Oh, come on. It's not like she just climbed any stairs or anything.

"Hi," said Lupin back, eyes wide and hopeful.

"Pansy," I whispered.

"Klutz," he said back.

"Do you mind if I sit by you?" she asked quickly.

"Well, at least she's polite." I held my chin up with my hand, scowling menacingly.

"You could learn from this," he answered, eyes held on the scene with fascination.

_He stills loves her_. A nerve-racking chill ran down my spine.

"No, I – yes, no, I … I don't mind," he answered finally. He looked quite red, while she smiled humorously.

"Oh, smooth talking, you'll win her over for sure now," I told Lupin harshly. I couldn't stop myself. It was like I had been possessed.

"What would you now?" he retorted, still not looking at me.

"A lot!" I snapped, and then winced at my pathetically pathetic comeback.

"Thanks," Lily was saying. "It's freezing outside you know." Suddenly she looked unsure. "Do you – do you know when James is getting back?"

Scene-Lupin looked as though struck by lightning. "I … no, I don't." He voice was now a lot softer, realizing he had nothing to gain now.

"Oh. Okay." She fiddled with her thumbs. "Remus," she said, her voice very low. "This …" She sighed, and shook her head slightly. "This thing between us. It can't happen." Lupin looked shocked, but Lily smiled, this time with absolutely no humor at all. "You know what I'm talking about. We're not stupid people. I know you can feel it too." She touched him, as though demonstrating. My stomach twisted into a knot and shoved itself into my windpipe as I saw scene-Lupin draw in a sharp breath. Lily moved her hand away, and Lupin clutched his arm where he had been touched. "It can't happen, Remus. I love," she stopped, looking thoughtful. "I feel something for James. He feels something for me. We have a future. I can't betray him," she sounded pained, and I wondered, for a split second, if she ever really did love James.

"I …" Scene-Lupin looked at the fire. "I know. I would have never …" he smiled wistfully. "I would never have let it happen, Lily." They both turned to each, sharing a smile; like they knew so much then a simple onlooker could ever gather.

"Okay." Lily looked at him for a moment, and then lowered her face to his, pressing her lips to his for a spilt second, then moving away. "I look forward to a thriving friendship with you, Remus Lupin." She stood up, saluting. I couldn't help but smile a bit.

"As do I with you," he said, returning the salute with the raising of an eyebrow. I sighed, then immediately blushed furiously as real-Lupin stared at me in bewilderment. Scene-Lupin lay back on the couch, looking delightfully satisfied. "You're going to love him, like you never knew you could, Lily."

The fiery redhead stopped right before the door, a large, goofy grin on her face. "I know. I can't wait!" she exclaimed, opening the door to the girl's dormitory and stepping in.

I looked at real-Lupin, studying his features. He looked happy, happier then I had seen him in a long time.

"I had forgotten about his memory," he said, which is a very funny line indeed.

"Did you love her?" I said before I could stop myself. _Damn, damn, damn_.

"No," he told me, looking at the fading memory, "well," he narrowed his eyes, "as a friend, of course. More than anything. But as anything else … no," he said, almost proudly. "No, I didn't. And I'm glad I didn't. Her and James were so … perfect. They loved each other so much," he told me, as though I needed reminding. I nodded, unable to stop the lovely bubbly feeling erupting inside me.

He sighed, and I turned around, bumping into something large, squishy and…human?

"Wow," said the voice of Sirius Black, "I never knew about that!"

---

A/N: Terribly sorry about the Remus/Lily, terribly sorry. I know a lot of people … don't have bundles of good feelings toward that pairing, and I'm sorry. But, rejoice in the simple fact that nothing major happens, and they eventually just become friends! R&R, perhaps? Please?


	13. Grudgingly Oblige

A/N: My apolgies for the exceedingly late update! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I was gone camping for a few days, then when I finally pushed myself to write this chapter (my ambition and inspiration seemed to had have flown out the window), I couldn't post, because ff dot net seemed to be down. I know, I know, excuses ... terribly sorry all, hope you're still me, anyways )

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Chapter Twelve: Grudgingly Oblige

"Really," Sirius spoke again, looking at my open-mouth and wide-eyes, and Lupin's bewildered expression of suspicion. "God, that would have been so juicy!" He sounded like a little schoolgirl, even more so when he jumped up and down, giggling.

"Sirius," I said, just as Lupin found his voice as well. "How did –?" he was saying. We looked at each other momentarily, before Lupin spoke up again. "How did you get in here?"

"Jumped in," he responded cheerfully. "I mean, it was glowing like mad."

"Can you get us out?" I asked hopefully.

"Out?" Sirius replied, confused.

"We're stuck," Lupin told him, scowling. "Someone sealed the Pensive. Which brings me to think," Lupin narrowed his eyes, "how did _you_ get in?"

"Maybe it's only sealed on the outside," said Sirius passively. Personally, I was convinced. Sirius wasn't that great of a liar. Lupin still looked suspicious.

Sirius wasn't paying attention. His eyes were searching the scene with an awed twinkle in them. "Wow," he said. "My memories always end up black and white, with an odd sort of fading around the edges … I mean, well, it's still not as good as Dumbledore's, but wow … how do you do it?"

"Sirius," replied Lupin shortly, grinding his teeth. "You're completely missing the point. We are _stuck _here, in my memories, for Lord knows how long …" At first glance, one would assume he was just terribly irritated, the way he was scowling and the way his arms were crossed primly across his skimpy little chest, but I noticed, absently, that his eyes kept flitting towards the scene unfolding before us. _Oh, goodie! More juice…_

"Oh, come on," whined Sirius. "It'll be fun! I brought popcorn!"

Lupin's mouth fell to the floor at this. "But, I thought you – if you brought – how would you –_what_?" Fortunately for those not wanting to be bored with crazy ramblings, we weren't listening, as I was glued to the unfolding scene, and Sirius was munching happily on his popcorn. Perhaps if I _had_ been listening, I would have discovered Sirius' plot much sooner, and maybe saved Lupin's sanity.

"Hm," Sirius was mumbling through huge mouthfuls of popcorn. I yawned and took some, ignoring Lupin stuttering along beside us. "The set is nearing towards the west, signaling it's probably around four o'clock in the afternoon … the trees are a lot shorter, and the fence is still white … no tire swing … must be around 1980 … and oh, look at that," Sirius pointed his hand and made a sound as if everything was obvious now. It wasn't, "James is still wearing his Snitch glasses." I narrowed my eyes at the gangly James Potter, sure enough wearing a pair of horn-rimmed glasses with tiny Snitches bordering around the edges. I giggled at the poor boy as Sirius took another handful of popcorn, throwing it in the direction of his face, not seeming to care which hole it went in.

Lupin fiddled in his spot, his ramblings stopping abruptly.

"Where are we, anyways?" I asked, taking in the scene, which left me with an unsettling feeling of familiarity, that I just couldn't place. A largish, off-white house stood in the middle of green-grassed yard, complete with a tree house and a covered-up sandbox. The house was almost radiating cozy family-ness, something that always brought a feeling of disdain to my stomach. My family had been far from anything family-ish.

"Here we go, boys!" squealed James Potter, a wolfish grin that would probably give Lupin a run for his money. Mind I never say that out loud because, despite Lupin's pansy-like fighting ability, he _was_ a werewolf, and I wouldn't put it past him to 'accidentally' maul me into a vegetable.

"Sirius?" I turned to the actual Sirius, while his younger version whistled his approval. "Where are we?"

My darling cousin looked a few shades paler, and I was afraid for a moment he had conspicuously died, most probably just to spite me.

It was Lupin who answered, however. "Tonks," he said, sounding and looking quite serious. His eyes were unwaveringly set on Sirius, with worry dancing where the usual cheerful twinkle was. "We're in Godric's Hollow."

My eyes widened.Of _course_. That's where I recognized it from.

"_What's this file?" I asked Moody, my fingers tight around the letter-clad envelope, sealed tightly to prevent curious onlookers from gaining information._

_Moody's face seemed to steel. "Potter's file," he murmured gruffly, flipping through the files now a bit more roughly than needed._

"_Can I…" my voice faded as I studied the file again. "Can I look in it?"_

_Moody stopped suddenly, slamming the drawer shut and staring firmly away from me. It was a few minutes before he spoke. "Do you really want to?" he asked, both eyes fixed on me, with an eerie concentration._

_I swallowed, being only a nervous little Auror-in-training, and nodded. "Yes, sir."_

_Moody whispered a quick spell, and the bindings on the file seemed to disappear. "Treat it with respect," he told me sharply, before opening the file cabinet and getting back to work, as though there had been no interruption._

_The first thing I saw as I opened it was the report. The yellowed piece of parchment stared out at me, Moody's signature scrawled messily at the bottom. It seemed so mundane; this had been Voldemort's end and the Boy-Who-Lived famous start. It just looked like any other report had been, but it was obvious it wasn't. The words looked like they had been written with pain, the casualties recorded were written with a shaky hand, and were almost intelligible. _

_The second thing, as I flipped the report to the back, was the picture. A white house was present, in the middle of a nice lawn, with a tire swing, and a tree house. A nice family home. The picture was a bit disrupted, however, by the red and blue flames engulfing the house, sparking up the dull night air and flaring viciously around, a warning to any passerbyers. There were figures moving inside the house, and white beams of light flying everywhere. On the ground by the mailbox, two silhouettes bodies were visible. The bodies of James and Lily Potter._

_With a small gasp of air, I set the picture down. My heart was thudding, and I quickly put a hand out onto the desk, steadying myself. That had horrible…it wasn't just a picture of a fire, and of murders … it was a picture of the end of a _world. _The end of a loving family that should have gone on to have many happier years together. It was the end of the innocent life Harry Potter could have had. _

_Still breathing hard, I quickly put the pictures and report back in the envelope, trying to get the disturbing images out of my head. _

"_You'll be okay," I heard a voice tell me from behind. I didn't to look up. Moody's hand rested lightly on my shoulder. "After a few minutes. You just to breathe. Here," he handed me a glass of water and I took it, thanking him._

"_I hate the world," I said, unable to think up a more mature, deep comment to say. _

"_So do I," said Moody, crossing his arms over his chest. "Fucking Dark Lord."_

_I couldn't help but laugh._

My eyes snapped back onto the scene at hand when James Potter's voice broke through the silence, "My parents should be gone. D'you think I could invite Lily?" James looked like he was actually considering the possibility while his friends laughed.

"Good luck with that," said Sirius, patting his shoulder.

"Now, Sirius," said the voice of the younger-Lupin, looking dead serious, "it's only fair that you give James some advice."

James and Peter looked confused, but Sirius gave a wolfish grin, catching on, "Oh, gawd, you're right! I'd forgotten about our little make-out session." James looked petrified and I suddenly wondered if he really was as smart as everyone said. "Damn, she's hot," he added for good measure, fanning himself.

"You bloody git!" screamed James, just as Sirius burst out laughing. Realizing his bluff, James began beating his friend. Lupin watched the two with a sort of satisfied air, and I wondered if he enjoyed friendly abuse. The thought brought many, many unwanted and slightly exciting and disturbing ideas to mind.

Finally turning away from the scene, I turned to the real Sirius and Lupin, both who looked unwilling to watch any more.

"I'm sorry," I felt compelled to say, whether it is completely unnecessary or not.

Sirius ignored me, but Lupin looked up, his large, brown eyes studying me. "You shouldn't be sorry," he said softly. "It's been your fault."

"How do you know?" I said suddenly. "Ever heard of the butterfly effect?"

Lupin shook his head. "Don't be silly."

"I'm not!" I cried, thinking I very well was, but apparently my tongue was no longer attached to my brain … and hopefully it never was. "Maybe … maybe if I had never been born, and my mother had never gone good … maybe … maybe …" I bit my tongue, and it squirmed irritably in my mouth, fighting my teeth's grasp. But I had to stop somewhere; I had hit a dead end.

"Tonks," Lupin touched my arm, and I yanked it away before the butterflies could start. He didn't look hurt. My subconscious cried. "You did nothing wrong. _It's not your fault_."

"Fine," I snapped. I sat down so quickly, that my bum started aching like mad within seconds. Swearing very, very quietly so Lupin wouldn't notice my discomfort, I stared straight ahead, yet not really _looking_.

"Sirius is asleep," said Lupin's voice behind me.

_I don't CARE, why the hell would I care? Stop trying to make conversation with me, I'm fed up, I hate being stuck here, and I'M COLD! _"Oh, really?"

Apparently Lupin didn't notice the rigid, piercing, fierce, venom-y coldness I had evilly injected into those words with deliberate force. But, whatever. "Yeah … he has a tendency to nod off in public places."

_Oh, and I'm sure you would know. I mean, damn it, you probably keep tabs on him, you're like his fucking GROUPIE!_ "Uh huh."

He didn't notice the fury in those words, either. What is he, a complete idiot? "I think I'll wake him up."

_Yeah, 'cause I'm sure he won't bite your head off, because he DOESN'T have an awful temper. You sod. I'm not bitter, I'm just screwed up, and I blame YOU. _"You do that."

"All right." My hands curled into balls at his casual response. Doesn't he get it? Can he _not _see this annoys me? Does he not understand I hate him? Because I do! _I hate him! I hate him! I hate him!_

A thin pair of arms grasped the back of my shoulders. I turned around quickly, staring straight into Lupin's eyes. His mouth, hanging open like a goldfish, closed abruptly as I grasped his jaw tightly in my hands, my body pressed way too close against his for comfort. Not breathing, thinking or moving any sensible body part, I kissed him.

---

**TBC  
**

**R&R?**


	14. Oh, Dear, Oh, Dear, Miss Molly Please

Disclaimer: (keep forgetting) Own nothing, blah blah, yes yes.

A/N 1: This chapter I'm rating 'M'…just…to be safe…however, it's not at all –too- bad, and I suspect this story is bordering on M at some parts, anyways, so if you're fine with the rest of it, you should be fine with this chapter :)

A/N 2: Apparently, ff dot net has been having a few technical errors, as the first time I posted this readers were unable to access it … also, I couldn't reply to reviews. Hopefully, now it's working fine, and you'll all be able to read this.

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Chapter Thirteen: Oh, Dear, Oh, Dear, Miss Molly Please

"So," her hands were folded primly in her lap, and she leaned forward, her red curls bobbing at her shoulders as her eyes glowed with interest, "tell me exactly what happened. Right from the start."

I stirred my tea distractedly with my wand, and then put it down, remembering generally when I was depressed I tended to blow things up. "It's embarrassingly, Molly …" I sighed.

"Nonsense!" she shushed, flapping her hands around. "Tell me everything, dear."

"I – " My voice died in my throat, and I clasped my teacup so tight it shattered to pieces in my lap. Swearing, I grabbed my wand, but Molly grasped my hand tight, whispering _'Reparo' _harshly. "Sorry," I muttered, mopping up my steaming lap. "Look, Molly, it was just a terrible, terrible, awful, cringe-worthy mistake. I don't need to talk about it."

"If you didn't need to talk about it, you wouldn't have come," she said gently, trying her best not to be patronizing. Her best wasn't very good. I sighed, loudly and dramatically. She _was_ right, after all.

"He was just _looking_ at me, you know?" The older witch gave me a look that very plainly said she did _not_ know. "In … in _that_ way. Like … like he _liked_ me, or something, and not in a friendly way. It made me feel … warm, and then I just lost it." I sighed, listening dully to my own pathetic words.

"Go on," she smiled.

I stared down at my feet. "I didn't mean for it to happen, really. And after it was over, well, and it didn't last very long at all…"

---

Lupin's hand was held disastrously tight on my hips, and his breathing was ragged. Matching mine, I noticed.

Sharply inhaling, I pulled away, feeling my body lose all sense of warmth.

"I'm sorry," he gushed immediately, red.

"Stop it." I snapped quickly, then pulled even farther away from him, my head spinning in circles, unattached to the rest of my body. "I mean, no, no. This … I'm sorry, this isn't supposed to … _damn it_!"

"It's my fault," said Lupin, not listening to me in the least. "I-I'm sure that I –"

"Shut _up_!" I cried, clasping my robe tight over my chest, suddenly feeling white-hot with embarrassment and self-conscious. And believe you me, I had _never_ felt self-conscious before. "It's not your fault, Lupin, _I _kissed _you_. You take every little thing out on yourself. Dammit, the _world _isn't your fault!" I know I had made my point, and anything more could most possibly be too much, but I couldn't stop. It was like I had this high, exuberant, unstoppable energy inside me, and I couldn't control what or what I didn't do anymore. I, of course, blame Lupin. "You sulk when anything goes wrong, and even if something is _completely _not your fault, you have to take the burden of it. I mean, who do you think you are? God? Mother Theresa? _Gandhi_?" I sucked in a long breath, and for once, felt myself only growing stronger and bolder under Lupin's crushing gaze. "You can't _do _that to yourself. Forget the price being sacrificial takes to just being able to live your life, think about your _health_! No one can do that and not be emotionally and physically stressed and weakened! It's a toll no one can pay, especially not you! You're not as strong as you look!"

My last words struck silence into the air. A sinking feeling fluttering around in my stomach, I knew I had gone too far. Lupin's eyes had shifted to the floor, and he looked pensive. Guilt swelled up inside of me. _I am idiot. Oh, my God. I am. I actually am. I am an IDIOT_! A lump rose in my throat, and I turned away quickly, looking up desperately at the blackness that was supposed to be the ceiling. _God, let me out …_

"Tonks." His voice was strong, firm, just like how his arms had been on my shoulders, right before I kissed him. I turned back around, tears forgotten. I knew what was going to happen next, I _knew_. And I let it.

He grabbed my face, gently, and more roughly pressed his lips to mine. The kiss was soft at first, uneasy, but my mind went painfully blank all the same. All I could think was _more, more, more_. With a small moan, I grasped the back of his head and pulled him closer, opening my mouth slightly and allowing my eyelids to flutter pleasantly and he forcefully returned my urgency with a bit of delightful help from the French. My chest pounding, I suddenly closed my mouth, biting slightly on his lip. His slight noise caused a jump inside of me. The feeling of dread began to work in overtime as my mind suddenly came back and I realized, with fright that I was making out with Remus Lupin.

And, worse, he still didn't even know who I was.

"I have to go," I slurred, as my mind screamed, _Fuck!_ I scrambled for my wand, lying abandoned on the floor, trying to shake off the feeling of arousal still fluttering around inside me.

Lupin started for me, "Tonks…" I branded my wand at him, shaking it like a madwoman.

"Stay away!" I screeched. I think, for once, he got the message.

"Is everything okay?" Sirius was suddenly, _miraculously _awake, wide-eyed and … satisfied?

Feelings of confusing burned away by the ongoing feelings of complete crappiness, I swished my wand desperately, just wanting, wishing … hoping …

And suddenly I was gone. The room changed from blackness back into the library, I observed from above, before I landed back down, painfully on my side. I could Lupin and Sirius sprawled beside me and, not wishing to talk, explain, or figure out how the hell I had just done this, I bolted.

I didn't stop until I was panting, and leaning against the frame of my door. Pain was shooting through my body which I wasn't entirely sure was from the running (I was _quite_ out of shape) or the total awfulness of everything that had occurred.

My room had an eerie emptiness about it, and I felt as though I was looking at it, as I never had before. The bed seemed indefinitely was looming, and the red bedspread seemed a lot darker and more Satanic than it ever appeared before. The windows seemed longer, the walls seemed taller, and the empty corners seemed desperately emptier. The warmness and comfort that I had always enjoyed before seemed to have disappeared, and only a chilling coldness remained. It was as though it had changed to fit the rest of this creepy Black house.

_Or perhaps_ said a little voice in my head, the one that anyone and everybody seem to have, and dislike with a terrible passion, _you're just seeing everything as it is for the first time_.

Maybe I had been deluded. Maybe I was horribly naïve. Maybe I had seen everything before as I had wanted to see it. Maybe I just didn't have the strength to keep it up anymore. Maybe I was just _tired_. Maybe I didn't want anything to look happy anymore. Maybe it was because I didn't want to _feel_ happy anymore.

I collapsed against the ground, my eyes wide and my thoughts racing. I didn't want to be happy anymore. I had done a horrible, horrible thing to not tell Lupin about everything. He forgot, and he would hate me because of it. We were disoriented, we were drunk. And I was just being someone I had long thought I deserted.

My eyes flitted to the windows as a lone bluebird passed by, chirping as though the world was as right as ever.

Maybe the person I despised being wasn't as gone as I liked to believe.

---

_Black curls, blue eyes, and drop-dead beautiful, I waltzed around the room, twirling around in my lovely new revealing black skirt, while also looking idly around the room for my fake ID. I was really quite the multi-tasker._

_I looked up as I heard a light tapping at the window. I groaned at the old, brown owl at my window, pecking impatiently. _Damn Charlie Weasley.

"_Hello, lovely, you wonderful little owl you." With a giggle, I let it in, watching it happily flapping around in my bedroom._

_I opened the letter with no haste, having spotted my fake ID, and was busying myself with checking the picture, making sure I matched up. _

'_Dearest Nymphadora, (don't you dare beat me up for saying that this time, you deserve it, you mad woman!)_

_Are you absolutely crazy? Yes? No? I suppose it doesn't really matter if you answer that, because I already know. YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY INSANE! You are not doing this, Tonks, you hear me?'_

_Yawning, I picked a bit of lettuce out of my teeth._

'_I can't believe you did it the first, and, hell, even the second and third time I let it slide. But, Merlin's beard! I think ten times is quite enough! You are not doing this again, Nymphadora … do not roll your eyes again, hear me?'_

_I paused in mid-roll._

'_I know you've disregarded my last seven letters, and all my pleasurable little visits, but this time you WILL LISTEN! Now, SHRED UP YOUR FAKE ID AND STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING! Don't you dare even think about going out! Never mind basic SAFETY, but you could catch an STD!'_

_Trust Charlie Weasley to totally disregard personal boundaries._

'_You are not doing another horny old bat again.'_

_I knew then I was truly loved._

'_That last picture you showed me … really, Tonks, I mean I know you have a fetish for old guys, but God … too far, too far. You are really missing out on this wonderful generation of men, you know. We are really devastatingly charming and sexy. You should know that by hanging around me so much, by now.'_

_Eloquently put, Charlie. I really did misinterpret your charm and beauty. _

'_Anyways, don't even TRY to distract me another minute. I am FURIOUS with you, young missy! And no, I don't sound like your mother, she's much more easygoing, you take advantage, you little brat. And I'm not sorry for saying that. Hah! Just … don't hit me, again … please? Er, yes. So don't even TRY to get out. I will find out. You will be punished. I AM NOT KIDDING! NYMPHA –'_

_With a sigh, I crumpled the letter to bits and threw it neatly into the trashcan._

_The aging owl hooted, and I smiled. "Like it?" I grinned, twirling. I think it rolled its eyes._

"_Oh? Trying to patronize me, eh? Out with you then!" I opened the window and shooed it. It merely blinked at me. "Out!" It seemed to sigh, before elegantly lifting off the floor. "And tell Charlie," I yelled after it, "he will be eating a pile of Flubberworm dung for breakfast next morning!"_

_Snatching my purse, I gave myself one last once-over in the mirror. With my nose fixed, my eyes more slanted, and my lips larger, I really _was _beautiful. I looked almost like a mixture of my two aunts, Narcissa and Bellatrix, so alike my plain mother, whose looks I just had to inherit. At least my father had a nice, sharp, captivating face. Mine was just round … and boring._

_Trying to ignore the bitterness, I adjusted my strip, faking a pretty smile and flipping my hair back. Charlie was wrong. He would probably know that, too, if he'd seen how I'd changed my face. I never do that. It's too…drastic. I lose sense of self. But even he most likely wouldn't understand why tonight was different. No one would. No one _understood.

_Graduation was tomorrow. The day where I would be remembered by basically as the girl who slept around. I supposed I had known that all along, even when this had all started, when I had gotten that feeling of desire, of power when Daniel Hutchings had looked at me in third year with _That Look. _I supposed I had thought I wouldn't care – I hadn't when I was doing it, so why would I now? Expect…I did. I was so, so much more than that, at least I thought I was. At least Charlie Weasley thought I was. I couldn't even remember the feeling I had gotten my first time. All I remembered was it had been good. I needed it again, and when I was roughly dumped the next day, I found myself needing it even more. Desperately, it seemed. But the second time hadn't been the same. Nor the third. Nor the fourth. Nor any of the others to come. It didn't feel the same, and I couldn't figure out why. I needed that feeling back, and the more I needed it, the more it disappeared. Why when I most needed to feel happy, had I been the saddest? And now I couldn't remember it at all. Just a faded memory, a broken feeling. And I thought everyone was supposed to remember their first time perfectly._

"_I should go." I said out loud, to no one, except, I suppose, but myself. It probably a good sign, talking to myself. My dangerous thoughts were bad enough._

_Grabbing my purse, I raced down the street, looking for a nightclub, a bar, _anything. _An escape._

_I turned the corner at almost a run, discovering the fastest I went, the less I was tortured with anything annoying, mainly thoughts._

_However, thoughts come in handy before you turn around a corner at a fast speed._

_The body I sped into was tall and lanky, obviously not someone of full health. I was almost tempted to feel just how prominent the ribs were, before deciding I should probably draw the line somewhere._

_I looked up at my human pillow, my face automatically turning into a faux, stretched smile. A fringe of tawny-colored hair clouded most of the man's face. His face was lined, as though he was extremely tired, and his mouth was pulled into an apologetic smile._

"_I'm sorry," he said with a nice sort of raspy voice. _

"_Oh, no, it was my fault," I replied, watching his eyes carefully. He looked distracted, distraught; perhaps even a bit drunk._

_He returned my smile without a somewhat exhausted quality, and something inside me shifted. _

_Perhaps I wouldn't have to find a bar tonight, after all._

_---_

Molly watched me quietly as I kept on rambling, my mouth on an all-expenses paid for shopping spree.

When I finally stopped, I was quite out of breath, and she looked quite calm. _Damn Weasley's and their impenetrable unashamed-ness!_

"You have to talk to him, dear," she said. What? What? I blinked at her, astonished. I had just spent five hours telling her what must be the deepest darkest secret of my life (Pathetic? Yes, indeed).

"That's…all?" I asked, trying to keep my voice from complete annoyance.

"You'll be surprise how well that works," she told me, eyes twinkling. Dumbledore must have an apprentice.

"Oh, whatever," I drawled, arms crossed.

"Well, one thing is certain," she said firmly, giving me some hope.

"Yes?"

"Sirius Black is most definitely guilty of something," she said, curiosity burning in her light brown eyes.

Oh, give me a break.

---

A/N: Thank you ALL for the reviews! Glad to know you haven't deserted me yet ;)

R&R?


	15. On My Way Again

Disclaimer: I own nothing. But I will someday. MWAHAHAHA!

A/N: I am absolutely, totally, immensely, painfully sorry for the **_HUGE_** lack in updates. I really have no excuses. Oh, except: I was sick, I sprained my ankle (I couldn't hobble to the computer!), school takes up all my spare time, and my dog ate my chapter.

Again, I apologize.

However, I have actually FINISHED the story! After this chapter, there's only one more to go after this one (no epilogue, sorry, I surprisingly didn't make it AU … I thought I would …).

But anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter. _Except_ – I seriously have to warn you. This chapter has serious angsty bits (Terrible! Awful! Cringe-worthy! I know!), and some disturbing OOCness on Lupin part (I turn him into a … sap! –gasp-!), and … well, some very poor attempts at humor –dramatic sigh-.

Rather than that though … have fun, all, and please don't forgot to review )

_KendraPendragon_: First of all, I'd like to thank you for reviewing. Much appreciated )! ON the subject of Tonks being well, yes, and the OOC on her part … well, I understand completely, and agree. This story was just a bit of fun I started from some wild plot bunny a while back … I never really thought I'd turn it into something. However, I was searching through all my word documents, and saw it just sitting there and … well, I couldn't stop myself. I just started writing, and, well, it turned into a humor story (I had it as –serious- angst before. Scary, I know). The easiness –is- lost. Lol. I knew I couldn't keep it overly humorous for long. I'm always so tempted to slip back into angst. It's such a bad habit. I'm glad you still enjoy reading it, though. I really try ;) Please review again, if you have the time!

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Chapter Fourteen: On My Way Again

He had been sitting outside my door for three hours now.

Every once and a while he would call, 'Tonks…' quite meekly, actually, if he only half-believed that I was every going to come out.

And, hell, his doubts were well founded.

I was going to sit on my bed, staring at the wall, for as long as I had to before he left. Now, usually, for a witch, this wouldn't be a problem in the slightest but, being the intelligent person I am, I forgot my wand on the kitchen table.

It was going to be a very long night.

"Tonks," I paused in thought as he called out, breaking the silence again. I sighed. "You have to talk to me eventually."

"No, I don't." Damn it.

I could _feel_ him smile. "I think I've proved my point."

"I think you've proved you _suck_!" Oh, yes, Tonks, _that told him_.

He chuckled.

"Not a time for laughter, wolfy, not a time!" I snapped, poofing out my cheeks with air and blowing it back out in frustration.

"I'm sorry."

"Is that all you _ever _say?" Damn little squinty-eyed fiend!

"It seems to be a reoccurring phrase with you."

"Oh, ha-ha-ha."

"You do realize we're having a conversation," he snipped, ruining the mood _completely_.

Deciding, in a way, that he was right, I shut right up. For an hour. A minute. A couple seconds.

God, I sadden myself.

"Look," I started irritably, "if you could just scurry down to the kitchen, grab my wand off the table, and come back up and give it to me, I can dutifully go back to ignoring you in peace."

"Though that sounds absolutely _exhilarating_," I scowled, "I fail to see how it helps me."

"It's not _supposed _to help you, brainiac!" Oh, I was on a _roll­ _today.

There was silence. Though, I suppose, I got the last word, it didn't make me feel any better. If anyone should be rendered wordless from the oddity of the others words, it should be _me_, damn it!

"Have you spoken to Sirius lately?" Oh, good. Now I was actually _starting_ conversation.

Another silence.

"Hello?"

Nothing.

"LUPIN!"

"Wha – oh, sorry, I went to go get crackers."

Crackers?

What.

The.

_Hell_.

"Oh, right," I said, pretending like it was totally normal to go get crackers in the middle of a conversation. A conversation that I _didn't want to have_. Right.

"So. Are you going to open the door?"

"Nope."

_Two Hours Later_

"Now?"

"I doubt it."

I heard a sound of frustration. Ah, satisfaction.

"You know, I may _actually _have something to tell you."

"Well, then, say it right here. Not like anyone's around."

"Sirius is sitting right beside me, Molly has her ear pressed against the door, and Ginny, Bill and Charlie standing around beside us waiting for something to happen."

I heard the sounds of slapping and a mangled, '_Way to blow our cover_!'

"Oh…kay," I paused, chewing my lip, and thinking about how terribly pathetic these people's lives must be. "Anything you have to say to me, they can hear."

A whoop was sounded, followed by a, '_Shut up, you idiot_!'

"Uh, no," Lupin replied. "Can you please just let me in?"

"No. Tell me here."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Why?"

"Yes – what?"

"Tell me why."

A long silence. "Erm … I …"

"He's embarrassed," whispered a voice that sounded disturbingly like Kingsley's.

A very creative curse was snapped, which I couldn't help but nod my approval to.

"Why, Lupin?" I repeated.

"I … it's personal."

I heard, '_Ooh, personal!' 'How juicy.' '_Now_ it gets interesting, it's almost twelve, I won't be able to stay awake much longer!' _And promptly ignored everything. That took _willpower_, damn it!

"Oh?"

I could feel the blush radiating off his thin little body. "Yes. Please, please, just let me in and … _no, we can not talk about that right now_, _Sirius_, I'm _busy_!"

I raised an eyebrow.

Clearing his throat, he continued. "Please?"

Oh, how pathetic.

"Fine!" I snapped, and opened the door a slice. Sighing, I jinxed Sirius' curious head out of the doorframe, and shut the door with a snap as soon as Lupin tumbled in.

I muttered a few definitive anti-listening spells, before ever so slowly turning to Lupin. One glance of his hopeful and slightly nervous face was enough to send me into downward spirals of guilt.

"Nymphadora," he started. "I have to apologize, again, for anything that … _happened_ that might have upset you, but …" He looked sheepish. _Sheepish_! Tonks, you little wanker, look what you've got yourself into…! "I think …" He paused again, studying my face, before continuing. I suppose he didn't see the huge _'GUILTY!' _stamp on my forehead. "I think that perhaps we have something. I'm not one to jump headfirst into a relationship, but please forgive me if I'm misspeaking, but I feel a…_spark_." Profuse blushing. "Don't you?" Oh, my God. I was positively shaking now. We were way, way, too close and … oh, Merlin, was that his hand …? And, oh, oh … those were the perfect things to say, how does he always know what to say? And, God, he really _was_ too close …

I felt the warming sensation of his lips on mine for only a moment before I pulled back, spluttering and feeling chillingly cold. "Lupin … _Remus_," I corrected myself. It just seemed wrong to call him 'Lupin' right now. Perhaps it was wrong to call him Remus. Perhaps I was being too forward. And, God, for what I'm about to say … _oh, shut the fuck up_! "I-I …" I licked my lips thoughtfully, not looking at his ever so slightly hurt expression. "I can't do this, I mean, wait, _no_!" I snapped as he retreated back, looking _profusely _hurt. However, at my sudden outburst, he fell off the bed in surprise. _Oh, BUGGER IT ALL!_ "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I sobbed as he pulled himself back up, thanks-not-at-all to me. "I just…" Jittery and feeling oddly numb, I listened as words tumbled out of my mouth. "I'm not who you think I am. I mean, I am, but I'm not."

Thankfully, at this point, Lupin held up his (slightly shaky) hand. "Tonks, you're not making any sense."

The large, guilty, unsettling feeling that I suppose had been there since the moment I had recognized Lupin for who he was shifted, and I slowly scrunched my face up in concentration, waves of heat and cold simultaneously passing through my body. "Here," I murmured, my voice lost in my throat.

Lupin looked silently at my changed figure for a moment before jumping up, his voice wide in surprise.

"I'm sorry," I said right away, like a reflex. "I didn't know how to tell you …" my voice was so quiet. I let it die away as Lupin found his.

"Oh, my God." He looked sickened, almost. Or maybe it was just shame. "You … knew, you remembered? And you didn't … you didn't say anything …" His eyes darting back and forth across the floorboards, thinking. "Why?" he said suddenly, staring at me again. "Why didn't you tell me?"

I opened my mouth wide, but I couldn't make anything come out.

He stared at me for only a second longer, before turning sharply and darting out of the room.

The door slammed shut behind him, and I winced as it shook the room.

_Come on, Tonks. It could have gone worse._

I collapsed back onto the bed and wailed.

---

_A/N_: And just in case anyone is screaming bloody murder from the utter scariness and un-like the majority of the storiness of this chapter, please don't worry. The next chapter is less...horrifying. This was manditory. It hurt me, too.

REVIEW AND I'LL LOVE YOU!


	16. ItIsCrucialForAllHumorGenreStoriesToHave

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

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Chapter Fifteen: It is Crucial For All "Humor" Genre Stories to Have a Happy Ending. Oh, Bugger It.

It was three months, thirteen days until he talked to me again. I don't know how many hours, I'm not obsessed. Gawd.

Not that I didn't try to get him to talk to me, though. Pfft. Of course I did. I was _almost_ a stalker. But, believe me, I know the line. I loathe the line.

"Please talk to me," I hurried to keep up with his long strides. "Please, please. I am so fucking sorry. Crap, right, sorry, probably not a time to swear. _Shit_, Tonks. Oh, _bugger_!"

He kept his head high, turned decidedly away from me.

"Oh, come on. You're being childish now." He continued with what he was doing, unfazed. "Okay, that was a little harsh. I apologize. You're not childish. You're loving, caring, attractive …" He yawned. "Okay, _that was uncalled for_!"

He turned, and I span sharply, right at his heels. I arched my finger together, in a sort of praying-to-God fashion. "Please. Give me another chance."

He looked me straight in the eyes, and my heart gave a sort of crippled jump. "Tonks." He started, and chills went down my spine at how he said my name. His eyes bored into mine, those dark brown pools of lust he called facial features just wanting, waiting … "I'm in a bathrobe, standing in my bathroom, about to get into a bath that you watched me prepare for the last half hour. _Please get out of my house_!" And with that, he slammed the door in my face.

I stood still on the spot for a few moments, before turning and beginning to walk down the hall. _Well, that was rude_. I made sure I tipped over his potpourri jar on my way out.

But, I mean, I understood. Sort of. What I had done was, well … not so great. I should have told him. I know. But I never thought it'd escalate…whatever. What's done is done.

I was in Grimmauld, in late September. The summer had passed, with the only times he'd actually spoken to me was in the presence of Harry and the kids (he _actually_ introduced me as Nymphadora! After all those years, I'd had no idea he'd remembered…), when we were discussing matters of the Order (or Harry, for that matter, but those two _tend_ to go hand in hand. Not literally, thank lord), or to tell me to piss off.

I was sitting on the couch, pretending to read. Arthur had (temporarily) installed a Muggle TV as a source of entertainment, ensuring Molly that it would not short-circuit. Now, for the time being at least, Molly doesn't even allow a wireless, and tends to throw a bit of a hissy fit if you're not doing something strictly unMuggular. It must be hell living with Arthur.

I didn't even notice when he sat down, as I was actually listening to my friend's mp3 player. Really, when I started humming, I thought Molly would have caught on that it wasn't to the tune of _100 Poisonous Plants and How to Disassemble Them._

"Nymphadora."

"_Wake me up inside, wake up me up inside, call my name and saaaave meeee froooom the daaaaark …_" I bobbed my head along to the music - naive, happy, slightly emo …

Lupin bowed his head, sighing. "Nymphadora."

"_Bid my blood to run_!" I did a little jig and tossed back my hair. "_Before I come undone_!"

"Nymphadora …" He gritted his teeth, and shook his hair out of his face.

"_Saaaave meeee frooom the nooooothiiiiing I've beeeecooooome…! _Nah nah nah!" I did a drum roll before I felt a thin hand on my shoulder, a sudden coldness swirling around my earphone-clad ears and a loud voice clearly saying, "_Nymphadora_!"

My eyes, which had been conveniently shut, flew open, and I stared at my interrupter. "Hello!" I squeaked, my eyes growing ever larger as I took in Lupin's new, scruffier, less facial hair-ish look. I hadn't seen him in a few weeks, after all. "You shaved." My eyes flew up to his hairline. "And forgot to cut." Lupin looked … not so pleased, and I quickly laughed nervously. "Not the point!" I quickly put my player away, and assembled myself on the couch, so I was in the best position to kiss him, if the time came. Mwahaha.

I shook my head, letting it fall into strawberry curls along my shoulder. I had gotten bored with the spike look, anyways. "So why are you here, Remus Lupin?"

"I think I've boycotted you for long enough," he responded, quite seriously. I stared down at the floor for a moment, thinking. "I think we need to talk about us. To be able to work together in the Order, and see each other almost every other day … we need to work this out." There was something different about him. Something stonier. The last time we _really_ spoke had been the night when I told him (showed him?) everything, and when he suggested a, well, relationship, I suppose. He had seemed so … happy? Revealing, too. Like he was so willing to give up his life for something with me. But now … my stomach twisted unsettlingly. He didn't look the same.

His eyes were on the floor now. "Nymphadora. I'm aware that, at one point, our feelings toward each other could have developed into something more than friendship, to be frank." He smiled wistfully, and I just stared at him, my face blank. "But after all that's happened …" He stopped again, this time with no smile. "I'm sure we'll find we have lots in common. Despite our many disputes, we seem to get along, in some twisted sort of way. I think …" He shook his head softly, with a tiny laugh. "I think we'll be fast friends." He held out his hand, staring at me with thoughtful eyes. "So what do you say?"

I didn't respond for as long as I could get away with. Then, slowly, I raised my hand, wearing my own subtle smile. "I can't wait." I shook his hand hard.

We drew apart, and he made to stand up. "Your hair looks good, by the way." He glanced back at me.

"Really?"

"Oh, yes." I grinned. "It's very flattering. You'll surely attract Emmeline Vance's slit – I mean, eye, now."

He chuckled, and nodded, signaling his departure.

I stared into the depths of my magazine, once again, not _really_ reading it. My head was spinning fast, as a million thoughts whirled around in there.

Friends? Oh, of course. There was an attraction between us, we couldn't deny it. I couldn't, at least. Friends can never stay friends. Hadn't he watched when Harry Met Sally?

I uncurled my legs, stretching them out, and fighting back the urge to smile. I couldn't, though. I grinned wide, and my eyes sparkled. We could be friends. We could get on great. We could be happy.

But he wasn't getting away that easy.

For once, I was prepared to withstand heartbreak, bitterness, and probably a hell of a lot of tears.

Touching the remnants of that goddamn rose tattoo, I put a finger to my lips, grinning even wider. I must have looked crazy. Hell, I probably was. Am. Whatever.

As I plugged my earphones back in, and curled back into place, I watched silently as Molly passed by, carrying a basket of laundry, with Ginny trailing along behind her, begging for something or other.

"Arthur!" she screamed. "Arthur! Help me with this! Arthur!"

"Mum! Please, I swear I won't lose this one …"

I smiled again. Well played, Remus Lupin. I do have to give you props. However, I'm a lot feistier than you think. And, being an only child, I tend to like to get what I want. More to the point, I may _also_ be in love (guess who). And the feisty-only child-love complex is _really_ one you do _not_ want to challenge. So …

Turning the volume to the point that Molly would bite my head off, I started into my magazine, for real.

Let the games begin.

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A/N: And that's the end, people. I'll not be writing a sequel, or an epilogue. I hope, however, you enjoyed it, and I thank all my readers and reviewers. You kept me going ). Oh, and lyrics from "Bring Me to Life" by Evanescence.


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